The Brandon Book Crisis (Muumuu House, 2009) "has arrived"

Copies are available here. View excerpts here and here and more information and reviews here.

The Brandon Book Crisis is a 152 page paperback “thriller” conveyed through unedited Gmail chats, emails, voicemails, and text messages—featuring Brandon Scott Gorrell, Tao Lin, Jeff, Linda, Tod, Sarah, and others (view its index/glossary).

The Brandon Book Crisis is limited to 150 signed/numbered copies, and will likely sell out. The first ~20 copies have been mailed to Muumuu House lifetime subscribers.

Lifetime subscribers can 30-60% expect "surprise" books like this to "happen" at a rate of 1-5 every 2 years, I think. Lifetime subscriptions are $100, a price that will likely increase over time.



For an enlarged view go here. For more information go here. To view the entire index/glossary of The Brandon Book Crisis, slightly edited from what appears in the book, due to hyperlink considerations, go here.

Orders for Ellen Kennedy's book and preorders for Brandon Scott Gorrell's book can be made. The first printing of Ellen Kennedy's book (of which David Ohle, in a new blurb, said, "She's in control of the power of the ordinary. The kind of poet you want to meet after reading") is projected to sell out at some point. Thank you for your time and consideration.

"Is anything real," an essay by Tao Lin showing how some things might not be real

Case Study #1, 2009

Apr 30 Brandon Scott Gorrell announces a short story contest run by Brandon Scott Gorrell. The contest guidelines say "i am going to choose the winning story based on how much i 'enjoyed' reading it."

May 23 Brandon Scott Gorrell posts the story he picked as winner of Brandon Scott Gorrell's short-story contest.

May 24 Michael Hemmingson says (~15th comment) the winner of the story contest does not exist and that he read a draft of the winning story, a month ago, authored by Tao Lin. ~30 minutes later Anonymous comments a link showing the winner exists.

May 24 Tao Lin says (~20-40th comment[s]) the story that won was written, at some point, to some degree, by Tao Lin, who then gave the story to someone else, the person who eventually won the contest. Tao Lin and Brandon Scott Gorrell say that Brandon Scott Gorrell did not have this information at the time Brandon Scott Gorrell chose the winner of the contest. Tao Lin lists the reasons he did what he did.

May 26 ~1:25 PM The Fiction Circus publishes an article called "Tao Lin Wins His Own Contest and Refuses to Refund the Entry Fee Money to the Other Contestants."

May 26 ~1:40 PM Edward Champion Twitters: "Did Tao Lin take prize money and defraud his fans? http://bit.ly/gPuBS." Edward Champion has 776 followers on Twitter.

May 26 ~3:30 PM Flavorpill Twitters: "Heh: Tao Lin wins his own writing contest. http://bit.ly/MLZca." Flavorpill has 3,284 followers on Twitter.

May 26 ~4:45 PM Brandon Scott Gorrell posts a response to the The Fiction Circus article, showing that almost every sentence in the article is factually incorrect, including three items in the article's title.

Case Study #2, 2008

Jul 31 Tao Lin announces that he is selling shares of his next novel and in the announcement says the novel is "linear, focused on one relationship, and a 'page turner,' I think, though also rereadable. While writing it I have been focused on making it so that you both 'need to see what happens next' and 'can turn to any page and read it and feel interested.'"

Aug 4 The Telegraph publishes an article called "Penniless author sells shares in next novel" that says "Investors can pay $2,000 (£1,000) in return for a 10 per cent share of the royalties of Tao Lin’s as-yet-unfinished second novel."

Aug 5 The New Yorker's book blog says "Tao Lin is selling ten-per-cent shares of the royalties for an unfinished novel on his blog."

Aug 7 BBC Radio says "a penniless author has sold shares in the royalties of his next book which he hasn't even written yet."

Aug 22 Gawker posts a blog post called "How Tao Lin Made A Quick Twelve Grand Selling A Novel He Hasn't Written!" ~9500 people have viewed this post in entirety; perhaps more than ~100,000 have read the headline.

Aug 23 Gawker posts a blog post that says "Tao Lin, who recently raised $12,000 in investors' money for a book that doesn't even exist." That day, or the next day, Tao Lin's publisher emails Gawker saying the novel is 95% finished. That day or the next day, when the post is likely no longer on the front page, "doesn't even exist" is crossed out and replaced with "'95% finished,' according to Tao." ~4500 have viewed this post in entirety.

Conclusion

The above two case studies, in addition to books I have read about various industries, for example Serious Adverse Events by Celia Farber, combine to make it seem to me like information that is not source information is also very likely "not real," or, "not accurate" information. Seems like misinformation usually begins when entities (in these cases Michael Hemmingson, The Fiction Circus, various pharmeceutical companies) "just say anything," usually something "not factual but newsworthy," which then gets "picked up" by portions of the media (in these cases Flavorpill, BBC Radio, Gawker) which focus on what is "newsworthy" over what is "factual" to a degree that they do not check the source, which is often "one link away."

Why does that happen

Portions of the media, whether not for profit (The Fiction Circus, for example, I think) or for profit ("all of them," it seems, except maybe ones that "actually make a larger profit by 'upholding journalistic standards,'" like maybe the New York Times), won't write about something that isn't "newsworthy," because things not "newsworthy" don't get as many hits as things that are "newsworthy." Some of the media (the portion of the for profit mentioned earlier that is also publicly-owned) is existentially required to increase profits and therefore "have no choice" but to do what will get them the most hits, causing more advertising revenue. This is not the CEO's choice and not even the corporation's choice. If the CEO or some part of the corporation is not contributing to increased profits the shareholders (which, though, includes members of the corporation) will vote the CEO or CFO or whoever is "holding back" the corporation out of their position, and hire a new CEO or CFO or team of janitors or whoever.

Interlude

May 26 9:26 PM Muumuu House publishes "selections from Miles Ross' Twitter account."

How I view certain things, today, having "personally experienced" and also "read about" certain things in the last five years

When I read things that are "newsworthy" I don't believe them, to some degree, a degree that increases based on factors I explained earlier. I automatically assume, to some degree, to a functional degree, I feel, that anything that is getting attention in the media is not accurate to a certain extent. I view many, or all, headlines, with a nearly-automatic assumption that it is not telling me accurate information, to some degree. I look at products with concrete (non-"artistic") functions and I try, firstly, to view the product (such as any medicine or vitamin or soap or cleaner or food, etc.) concretely and without preconception in order to see "what it really does," deliberately not believing the stated functions, to some degree

Epilogue re "Case Study #1"

May 26 6:37 PM Brandon Scott Gorrell creates a forum for actual contestants to post their feelings re the contest.

9x news item

the poetry foundation published an essay by me, i just tried to reread it, seems unreadable

other essays by me: what i can tell you about seattle, levels of greatness a fiction writer can achieve in america, a review of 'the woodcutters' by thomas bernhard, an essay on kmart realism

jimmy chen reviewed 'the brandon book crisis' (order; more reviews here, here, here)

lee rourke reviewed 'sometimes my hear pushes my ribs' (order)

dennis loy johnson interviewed me about my $8100 myspace sale

muumuu house published everyone i've had sex with & elevated self esteem as a result of alcohol consumption by megan boyle

bomb magazine interviewed me

i created a muxtape and 'had sex' with red bull and published a 'long lost, recently rediscovered' poem

I think I'm "banned" from Gawker but someone emailed me a list of "items" to type about, I felt not sure what ~60% of these "items" were referring to

I think "banned from and writing for" Gawker / previous Gawker coverage.

Oprah KFC Riot – Makes me feel like this “confirms” some suspicion I’ve never had like that Oprah takes baths in mashed potatoes to “relieve stress.” Perez Hilton wins "name/brand" lawsuit – Makes me feel like my penis is 5 feet wide but 2 inches long, and made out of marble, and in front of a Target somewhere. Wesleyan Student Killer, relateds – Makes me feel like eating overcooked steamed broccoli and cauliflower from a “square” in a tray, using some salt and a lot of pepper. Silda Spitzer reconnects with Eliot again – Makes me feel like I’ll feel “really sweet” when I masturbate when I’m over 50-years-old. Santa Barbara pool party, SB burning – Makes me feel like succesfully licking my own limp penis while alone, with no one around in a 5-mile radius, poolside outside a 8-million dollar mansion. new Eminem album leaks – Makes me feel like in the video for C.R.E.A.M. there is a tiny leprechaun in the background somewhere that hasn’t been discovered yet, and if you zoom in on it the leprechaun looks “really, really scary.” 539,000 jobs lost in april -- this is improvement – Makes me have images of people “being sweet” on front stoops throughout “the south.” Letterman - Animal Collective (maybe?) - Makes me feel like I have an in-grown penis that wants to cry but due to the physical law of the universe that two things of "matter" cannot occupy one thing of "space" cannot cry. Manny Ramirez on steroids – Makes me feel like the president should lecture Manny Ramirez in front of Manny’s extended family of probably 80-120 people. MIss California shit - Makes me wish I was a five-year-old Caucasian girl in a suburb of Los Angeles in 1999 with "sexy, medium-rich" parents and a "strong lineage" of excellent genes. Obama dijon mustard elitist scandal – Makes me feel like rubbing an organic soy hotdog on my penis then becoming confused at whether what I’m rubbing is my penis or the soy hot dog and then thinking “‘what difference does it make,’ hehe.” hipster grifter ratted out, captured -- Makes me feel like I'm at the post office staring without thinking anything at someone that looks "very Asian" but is speaking in a southern accent without any self-consciousness. Kindle DX revealed – Makes me feel like rollerblading so fast that my face burns off and then sitting in a reclining chair in heaven asking someone if they have “the new Updike” on their Kindle because “I’m low on funds but wanted to check that out.” Bristol Palin shit – Makes me feel like traveling back in time to when I was 11 and then going fishing with my dad and then eating Korean noodles after fishing and then going home and masturbating to something off a Nintendo game’s cover art. James Frey? – Makes me feel like combing my hair for 5-10 minutes with a “neutral facial expression” while thinking about “nothing.” Who will buy twitter? Apple, Microsoft, etc – Makes me feel like 6th and 7th graders’ new slang for either “small penis,” “ejaculation,” or “lay-up [in basketball]” is “Twitter.” Oprah and Jenny McCarthy join forces – Makes me feel like I’m not going to “cum" anymore in my life. Boston Globe survives – Makes me feel like I go into a movie theatre ready to see the new “Star Trek” and instead I see a five-minute video of an ant transforming into a Stegasaurus. end of the swine flu scare – Makes me feel like wiping sweat off my “brow” and then walking to a window overlooking a river and a tree and assuming an intensely “calm/pensive” facial expression.

american apparel's 'viva radio' will play this playlist by me in their stores 'worldwide'

i was solicited by reynard seifert to contribute a playlist for 'viva radio'

wikipedia says 'viva radio' is 'the official in-store music and audio network for american apparel stores,' reynard says 'really though, viva radio is american apparel's online radio station[,] people do listen to it besides just in the stores[,] but it plays live in all of the [american apparel] stores world wide[,] and playlists are stored in the archive to be played by the employees or "normal people" when they don't want to listen to the live broadcast'

reynard says 'i am 99.9% confident that it will go up' and 'i think [dov charney] would think [track 7] is funny' (track 7 is me talking about 'how to make money by selling things on ebay' with 'softcore-emo classic' 'valentine' by 'the get up kids' softly playing on repeat in 'the background')

i think reynard added the 4th definition to taoism here

hopefully i can 'overtake' the religion, seems like the religion's oeuvre is 1-3 books (tao te ching, the zhuangzi, and [something by lao tzu]?), 'whereas by 2011 my oeuvre will be 6-8 books'

links: defiance, ohio, johnny hobo and the freight trains, the broadways, best friends forever, the stupid stupid henchmen, no-cash, leftover crack, the mystery books, neva dinova, line and a dot

an investment banker bought my myspace account

today an investment banker associated with j.p. morgan posted an essay on my myspace blog

the investment banker, kevin chen, bought my myspace account to 'support the arts,' apparently

kevin 'nets' 160k a year, he seems smart

i'm excited to have diversified my identity into the business sector

seems 'cool'

not sure what else to blog about this

i've cried a lot since the last blog post

salt from my tears has 'caked, heavily' on top of my macbook's keyboard, and, as the crystals reflect the 'fluctuating glow' of the computer screen (going from statcounter to sales rank express to blogger to edensoy's website), it looks sparkly, like a magical land free of shit-talking

'tearing up' again

just stared through tears at the computer screen for ~50 seconds

now every time i open and close my macbook i hear 'crunchy' noises, from the salt 'grinding' against...the 'gears' (?), or something (microchips maybe), inside the keyboard

is this life

when will a shit-talker 'actually' 'kill me' in concrete reality

sales don't seem to be rising at all

is 'rising sales' an urban legend, does it even exist

is the toy poodle to the right what my career looks like to the new yorker, the pulitzer prize, bookforum, the village voice, larry dark's the story prize, the guggenheim committee, the NEA committee, the members of the NBCC, , and i guess the washington post

because i feel like that toy poodle

physically comfortable, 'ever-conscious of my alma mater,' facing away from the sunlight (so i can feel it on my backside, maybe), and 'about to fall asleep' though 'it's probably 1 p.m. and i just woke up'

i feel confused

what am i describing

do i want to be sponsored by 'a lesser-known company that manufactures adderall,' 'any farming collective in south america that grows organic coffee beans,' 'advil pm,' 'no-doz,' 'any brand of anti-depressant,' or 'the city in florida named "coconut creek"'

do i want to sleep or do i want to be productive

i have images of a person sleeping, then waking up, and doing things, then going back to sleep, seems normal

just felt confused about the difference between 'narrative arc' and 'career arc'

i sold my myspace account sold for $8100

i'm rich

not sure what to blog about

i made a 'myspace account on ebay' collage to commemorate what has happened to me

still feel 'dead,' or 'empty,' on the inside

like a 'used' bottle of 'synergy' brand kombucha in a dark alleyway 'deep' in queens

am i lost or is 'everyone else' lost

seems like i'm probably inside a 'major downward spiral' right now, as i blog for the fourth consecutive day in a 'demystifying, livejournalesque, non-iconic-status-forming' manner

feels like the next 1-16 months are going to be 'insane'

i have images of coconut water somehow 'running away' from me when i'm really thirsty, or else evaporating 'extra fast' as i'm trying to pour it into my mouth

seems like i should buy a farm in tennessee

but then it seems like that isn't what i should buy

seems like i should buy a trampoline or 'amphetamines'

should i buy pizza

what can money buy

can money buy a wounded lemur or chimpanzee for the sole purpose of 'nursing it back to health'

should i go on an african vacation, a vacation to africa, to see lions

is a twenty-dollar bill sad or happy

where does money go after you spend it, in terms of yourself

what effect will the existence of shoplifting from american apparel and then richard yates have on my weekly carbohydrate intake, will a graph of it 'seem' 'interesting'

will any of my tumblr memes ever go viral

and will bookforum ever review one of my books

am i blogging 'way too much'

should i link more people on my sidebar

since i started following less people on twitter i feel the same maybe

i feel like a character in 'lord of the rings' that wasn't in the movie and also wasn't in the book

since i wasn't in the movie or the book i'm not real, or something, but i'm sort of real, from a certain perspective

is that a feeling

'seems like i'm just typing whatever'

'i don't want to have a blog where there's giant blog posts every day'

'but that is what i have now'

have i become a contradiction, 'much like the universe itself,' also 'much like zen methods of existence' and 'light being both a wave and a [molecule?]'

will sales rise because of this, do i still have some 'aura of mystery' associated with my name, or am i like rosie o'donnell or someone like that, without any mystery, like a horse or pigeon

are horses mysterious, 'i'm not really even sure anymore'

by mysterious i think i mean, like, 'giant octopus' are mysterious

but typing that i'm not even sure, are 'giant octopus' mysterious at all

there is less than 30 hours as of 4 p.m. on saturday to bid on my myspace account

if bidding exceeds $15,000 i will post a sex video on this blog where i have sex to orgasm with five different inanimate objects of your choice

is that weird, do i not know how to promote myself anymore

if bidding exceeds $50,000 i will 'leave the internet' for five years

'damn,' just felt nervous typing that, saw myself reading jean rhys a lot, perhaps rereading all of joy williams, ann beattie, frederick barthelme, lorrie moore, etc., seems 'sweet' actually

if bidding exceeds $100,000 i will probably reprint james purdy's 'color of darkness' just to have a 'sweet' copy in my room, the cover would feature helvetica, probably something neon, the interior would be minimalist

is today saturday, just temporarily 'lost control' of the facility in my brain that locates me temporally in space-time

yeah, saturday, which means people won't comment on this post maybe, perhaps feeling fear that people will think they are reading my blog on saturday instead of surfing or something

i have 100% positive reviews on ebay, is anyone impressed

isn't there widespread knowledge on the internet that i 'can't be trusted'

what do i really want to type right now

feels like i just want to type similes

do i still 'just want to express myself' like two and a half years ago when 'you are a little bit happier than i am' came out

is there going to be a retrospective on the internet for that book

will one of my fans i haven't yet alienated 'hold' a 900-day retrospective for 'you are a little bit happier than i am'

how many fans have i alienated

when i'm working at taco bell, on my 20-minute break, in 2011, crying onto my burrito supreme, will i regret having alienated every person that did not produce 'sustained "warmth" and "excitement"' in me

or will i feel freedom, without my cell phone, tasting the sour cream, probably drinking a beer (against taco bell rules), only knowing what i can taste and see

is food 'the answer'

to what degree have i experienced 'meaninglessness'

if i had $1,000,000,000 how 'meaningless/beautiful/sad' would i feel, and in what manner would the feeling manifest prose-style wise (longer sentences? 'the sudden, glaring addition of mixed metaphors into tao lin's ouevre'?)

is 'pure' existential despair possible without having over $50,000 in your checking account

is that the purpose of the $50,000 guggenheim award

is my writing still socio-politcal, to some degree, how can i 'escape society' more fully, and is there a novel called 'nihilism' yet

seems like a title that could strongly brand a writer

where are all my shit-talkers, should i enable anonymous comments

where is my essay the poetry foundation solicited from me, it isn't on the site, i've fantasized 2-5 times 'already' about what to title the blog post linking it ('i've produced another "retarded" essay,' with the blog post linking my previous ones, mostly from 'the stranger), but it is not there, is this sentence harmful to someone

feels like i am going to win brandon's short story contest

does anyone think they can 'beat me'

i work 3-6 hours a day for ~30 days to create first drafts of 20-page short stories

but what if brandon doesn't like me, he might think my similes are more 'really annoying/trying too hard' than 'quirky/charming'

i mailed brandon $800 two days ago

i just confirmed with brandon, the winner of brandon's contest will also win a lifetime subscription to muumuu house ($100 value)

i can think of 'nothing better' re brandon's contest than if brandon wins and posts his own story

if i keep 'acting retarded' on the internet will i die

i know i will die at some point, that isn't the question i'm asking in this blog post, i think

i think i feel already not sure what this blog post is 'about'

i think i'm interested in whether or not i will 'wither' and then die, in my chair, in the library, if i type certain sentences

will my heart shrivel, inside my body, causing me to 'die,' as i type certain words in certain combinations onto this blog

seems like i can do anything on the internet, which seems weird

i've censored myself 'so much' in my life, even on this blog, i think, not sure actually

not sure what is happening right now, as i sit here, typing onto this blog

does each sentence i type onto this blog cause 95% of prizes/grants/reviewers to 'move away from me' (i have images of them, like, rolling away awkwardly, due to their shapes; for the reviewers i have images of them putting their forefinger/thumb on their forehead/cheek and then sort of 'swiveling' their head away from me), does that seem funny to me or not

i have images of people staring at their computer screens feeling confused

tens of thousands of people in a giant stadium staring at computer screens feeling confused

'hm'

if i have any friends, can you (if you want to) bid on my myspace account to increase the price to like $80000, so that it 'becomes news,' i think this requires at least 2 friends (just experienced a moment of uncertainty re '2 friends,' seemed good)

this was suggested in the comments section of the post below this post

i have a tumblr

brandon is having a short story contest

i'm probably going to enter under several fake names

i'm excited

i'm also afraid

will brandon choose me

or will he choose someone else

will i cry if i lose

or will i just eat carbohydrates

i think galleys of 'shoplifting from american apparel' will exist somewhere within 3-4 weeks

the distributor will have a number of copies of the galleys, i believe

i feel neutral

i feel like the thing in middle school that tests whether a solution in chemistry class has been neutralized or not; i feel like the moment when the thing is seen to be neutralized, using a tab or something, with numbers on it

i feel like the moment when an 8th grader looks at the tab, feeling no interest in whatever 'lab experiment' it is for, and sees that it has been neutralized, and thinks 'neutralized' or something

not sure what i'm trying to describe, might be less an emotion than a 'tableau' or something

sort of can't believe i blogged again, 'so soon' after the previous blog post, with no real new news

should perhaps have consolidated these three 'myspace-ebay posts' into one post, to maximize comments and other reasons, yet i keep typing

is this what mike tyson felt like when he bit evander holyfield the second time

i feel highly aware that what i am doing right now isn't the ideal blogging technique to achieve my goals, 'though, what are my goals, hehe'

i keep having images of doors closing

just had an image of a window closing, seemed 'slightly abberant'