"I Am Carles" clothing sponsorship

I Am Carles, a subsidiary of the corporation that owns Hipster Runoff, has sponsored me in a deal worth [contractually confidential] dollars. Most of the details will appear in next week's New York Times Magazine, but I've typed some "exclusive" "backstory" below for "passionate" readers of this blog who pre-ordered Shoplifting from American Apparel:

After what most industry insiders are calling "an especially intense bidding war" I rented the 2nd most environmentally-friendly car that Hertz currently offers and drove to Los Angeles (stopping in Aspen, Colorado to sign my books at the local Barnes & Noble and to ski a little) where I texted "I'm here" to [one of the three people who write the blog posts that appear on Hipster Runoff].

Four hours (and two meetings with marketing executives from Urban Outfitters who attempted a "last minute" "buy out" unsuccessfully) later, surrounded by a team of lawyers representing mine and [the network of investors that control Hipster Runoff]'s interests, I signed a one-year contract.

I hope everyone is "okay" with this. I feel I will continue to write (1) existentially-minded, concrete, linear narratives with little or no description and little or no rhetoric, utilizing short sentences with no em-dashes or semi-colons in a style that could be described as "detached," "minimalist," or "autistic" or (2) existentially-minded, "not necessarily" linear narratives with many adjectives, adverbs, and "poetically" rhetorical passages containing many similes and metaphors, utilizing short, long, or fragmented sentences with many em-dashes and semi-colons in a style that could be described, variously, as "detached," "lyrical," "deadpan," or "Lorrie Moore 20-page short story" despite never "needing" to buy another blue shirt again (for one year).