I think I'm "banned" from Gawker but someone emailed me a list of "items" to type about, I felt not sure what ~60% of these "items" were referring to

I think "banned from and writing for" Gawker / previous Gawker coverage.

Oprah KFC Riot – Makes me feel like this “confirms” some suspicion I’ve never had like that Oprah takes baths in mashed potatoes to “relieve stress.” Perez Hilton wins "name/brand" lawsuit – Makes me feel like my penis is 5 feet wide but 2 inches long, and made out of marble, and in front of a Target somewhere. Wesleyan Student Killer, relateds – Makes me feel like eating overcooked steamed broccoli and cauliflower from a “square” in a tray, using some salt and a lot of pepper. Silda Spitzer reconnects with Eliot again – Makes me feel like I’ll feel “really sweet” when I masturbate when I’m over 50-years-old. Santa Barbara pool party, SB burning – Makes me feel like succesfully licking my own limp penis while alone, with no one around in a 5-mile radius, poolside outside a 8-million dollar mansion. new Eminem album leaks – Makes me feel like in the video for C.R.E.A.M. there is a tiny leprechaun in the background somewhere that hasn’t been discovered yet, and if you zoom in on it the leprechaun looks “really, really scary.” 539,000 jobs lost in april -- this is improvement – Makes me have images of people “being sweet” on front stoops throughout “the south.” Letterman - Animal Collective (maybe?) - Makes me feel like I have an in-grown penis that wants to cry but due to the physical law of the universe that two things of "matter" cannot occupy one thing of "space" cannot cry. Manny Ramirez on steroids – Makes me feel like the president should lecture Manny Ramirez in front of Manny’s extended family of probably 80-120 people. MIss California shit - Makes me wish I was a five-year-old Caucasian girl in a suburb of Los Angeles in 1999 with "sexy, medium-rich" parents and a "strong lineage" of excellent genes. Obama dijon mustard elitist scandal – Makes me feel like rubbing an organic soy hotdog on my penis then becoming confused at whether what I’m rubbing is my penis or the soy hot dog and then thinking “‘what difference does it make,’ hehe.” hipster grifter ratted out, captured -- Makes me feel like I'm at the post office staring without thinking anything at someone that looks "very Asian" but is speaking in a southern accent without any self-consciousness. Kindle DX revealed – Makes me feel like rollerblading so fast that my face burns off and then sitting in a reclining chair in heaven asking someone if they have “the new Updike” on their Kindle because “I’m low on funds but wanted to check that out.” Bristol Palin shit – Makes me feel like traveling back in time to when I was 11 and then going fishing with my dad and then eating Korean noodles after fishing and then going home and masturbating to something off a Nintendo game’s cover art. James Frey? – Makes me feel like combing my hair for 5-10 minutes with a “neutral facial expression” while thinking about “nothing.” Who will buy twitter? Apple, Microsoft, etc – Makes me feel like 6th and 7th graders’ new slang for either “small penis,” “ejaculation,” or “lay-up [in basketball]” is “Twitter.” Oprah and Jenny McCarthy join forces – Makes me feel like I’m not going to “cum" anymore in my life. Boston Globe survives – Makes me feel like I go into a movie theatre ready to see the new “Star Trek” and instead I see a five-minute video of an ant transforming into a Stegasaurus. end of the swine flu scare – Makes me feel like wiping sweat off my “brow” and then walking to a window overlooking a river and a tree and assuming an intensely “calm/pensive” facial expression.