400 interns
i have acquired another intern, intern #5, his name is chris killen
i think it was 'smart' of me to acquire 'chris killen' as intern #5
when his book comes out in 2009 he will be very famous (see blurbs on that page)
it will be like a deflated balloon and he is the air inside the balloon
in 2009 the air will expand and the balloon will become larger
my abstract phenomena in the universe will 'increase'
i am smart
intern #5's first task was to review my book on amazon (UK) saying he is my intern and that i told him to do it
i am also intern #5's intern, i am intern #5's intern #1
intern #5 told me, as his intern, #1, to write a post saying i'm his intern and linking to his blog
i have done those things, i am a good intern
i think my interns #3 and #4 are currently 'inactive,' they have not been in regular contact with their 'employer,' i am still in contact with intern #3 but in a 'non-business' context and i do not know where intern #4 is, she probably 'lost interest' in me
interns #1 and #2 were 'shared' with some other people, they were gotten off of craigslist, chosen from an 'applicant pool' of over 300, many of them MFA students in NYC; they are not in contact with me anymore, i have forgotten their names
they have my permission legally to write their own recommendation letters to future employers signing 'tao lin' at the bottom, any of my interns are allowed to do this without going to jail or getting in trouble
a few months ago and a few weeks ago a person and another person emailed me 'wanting' to be my intern but these two people were 'turned away'
the time of turning people away has ended
i want interns
interns will be listed on this site on the right on the bottom
to be my intern you are not required to do anything, but if you want to do something, do not ask me what to do; to find out what to do you should ask intern #5, that is the second task i am assigning intern #5, to tell future interns of tao lin what tasks they should accomplish
i think i looked at the last issue of mcsweeney's and they had something like 15 interns which they called 'helpers' or something
they didn't use the word 'helpers,' i'm not sure what the word was, maybe it was even 'interns'
15 is a lot of interns compared to some places, but i don't think that number is high enough; i think 400 interns is a 'nice' amount of interns, it 'feels right'
to 'fill' the positions of interns #6-#400 you should start a blog with 'intern #_' as the title and with links to all other known interns (see intern #4's blog) and then comment on this blog and eventually i will realize you are my intern and i will add you to the list; it is not necessary for me to know your name, or anything about you, though i am also not 'opposed' to knowing your name and sometimes communicating with you
sometimes i will think about my interns and you will exist in my brain when i think something like, 'intern #139's blog looks nice, i like it,' while the blender is making me a smoothie or i am standing in line at the bank
internships are 'for life,' i may 'call upon you' thirty years from now in a time of 'personal hardship' to complete a task that is not limited to things that are literary; if you ignore me i will just ask another intern, you don't 'need' to be afraid, i will not 'hate' you; also i feel bad asking anyone to do anything for me so there is a 100% chance that, as my intern, you will never do anything for me unless you contact me wanting me to give you a task or you do it on your own volition without instruction
if someone asks you if you are tao lin's intern and you really are my intern i would like it if you admit you're my intern and then tell what # you are
if there are multiple interns that are the same intern, due to many people creating blogs at the same time (for example two intern #18's), i will treat the interns as actually one entity, i'm not sure how to do that, maybe it will become too confusing and i will 'need' to skip an intern number and then there will 'need' to be interns #401, #402, etc.
thank you for your time and consideration
i think it was 'smart' of me to acquire 'chris killen' as intern #5
when his book comes out in 2009 he will be very famous (see blurbs on that page)
it will be like a deflated balloon and he is the air inside the balloon
in 2009 the air will expand and the balloon will become larger
my abstract phenomena in the universe will 'increase'
i am smart
intern #5's first task was to review my book on amazon (UK) saying he is my intern and that i told him to do it
i am also intern #5's intern, i am intern #5's intern #1
intern #5 told me, as his intern, #1, to write a post saying i'm his intern and linking to his blog
i have done those things, i am a good intern
i think my interns #3 and #4 are currently 'inactive,' they have not been in regular contact with their 'employer,' i am still in contact with intern #3 but in a 'non-business' context and i do not know where intern #4 is, she probably 'lost interest' in me
interns #1 and #2 were 'shared' with some other people, they were gotten off of craigslist, chosen from an 'applicant pool' of over 300, many of them MFA students in NYC; they are not in contact with me anymore, i have forgotten their names
they have my permission legally to write their own recommendation letters to future employers signing 'tao lin' at the bottom, any of my interns are allowed to do this without going to jail or getting in trouble
a few months ago and a few weeks ago a person and another person emailed me 'wanting' to be my intern but these two people were 'turned away'
the time of turning people away has ended
i want interns
interns will be listed on this site on the right on the bottom
to be my intern you are not required to do anything, but if you want to do something, do not ask me what to do; to find out what to do you should ask intern #5, that is the second task i am assigning intern #5, to tell future interns of tao lin what tasks they should accomplish
i think i looked at the last issue of mcsweeney's and they had something like 15 interns which they called 'helpers' or something
they didn't use the word 'helpers,' i'm not sure what the word was, maybe it was even 'interns'
15 is a lot of interns compared to some places, but i don't think that number is high enough; i think 400 interns is a 'nice' amount of interns, it 'feels right'
to 'fill' the positions of interns #6-#400 you should start a blog with 'intern #_' as the title and with links to all other known interns (see intern #4's blog) and then comment on this blog and eventually i will realize you are my intern and i will add you to the list; it is not necessary for me to know your name, or anything about you, though i am also not 'opposed' to knowing your name and sometimes communicating with you
sometimes i will think about my interns and you will exist in my brain when i think something like, 'intern #139's blog looks nice, i like it,' while the blender is making me a smoothie or i am standing in line at the bank
internships are 'for life,' i may 'call upon you' thirty years from now in a time of 'personal hardship' to complete a task that is not limited to things that are literary; if you ignore me i will just ask another intern, you don't 'need' to be afraid, i will not 'hate' you; also i feel bad asking anyone to do anything for me so there is a 100% chance that, as my intern, you will never do anything for me unless you contact me wanting me to give you a task or you do it on your own volition without instruction
if someone asks you if you are tao lin's intern and you really are my intern i would like it if you admit you're my intern and then tell what # you are
if there are multiple interns that are the same intern, due to many people creating blogs at the same time (for example two intern #18's), i will treat the interns as actually one entity, i'm not sure how to do that, maybe it will become too confusing and i will 'need' to skip an intern number and then there will 'need' to be interns #401, #402, etc.
thank you for your time and consideration
37 Comments:
I used you as an example of irritating postmodernism in a comment on Connor O'Brien's blog "This Blog is presently migrating to your face, please be patient"...but then I read the sample story from "Bed" that you posted online and I really liked it. Now I'm going to read Bed. Anyway...I just wanted to apologize for my comments. I thought all of your writing was just like the stuff I'd read on your blog and other internet sources. Clearly, you had just saved your strongest stuff for the print books (which makes perfect sense). I'm not saying that I have a right to objectively judge one piece of your writing over another, though. It's just that I feel like I can tell that you spent a lot more time polishing the story from Bed than other things I've read and I imagine that is indicative of the other stories in that book.
So yeah...my bad.
i did spend a lot of time on bed, i am glad you thought that when reading the story
that was a nice comment, thank you
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Dear Tao Lin,
I agree with the first commenter. I also mocked you in the past, and I've been reading Bed and have to admit that I liked it. It made me giggle a lot. I'll be writing on my blog about about why I liked it at some point in the near future. I've recommended it to three people, all of whom have bought the book.
Intern #Stupid, here
you are intern #6 catherine, good job
hi darknessatnoon,
thank you
hi ryan,
you can be intern #7
hi tao,
i am making my students read a story from "bed" in my fiction class next semester. i hope you are doing ok.
-jess from baltimore
Dear Tao Lin,
I would like to apply for an intern position. I have made a prototype for the position http://environmental-intern.blogspot.com/ .
You did not specify as to content, so I took some liberties.
Best,
Miles
dear tao,
i would like to be one of your interns "for life". i think i would make a very good intern.
love, stephanie
i would like to be an intern, several if possible, possibly hundreds of interns. it will not be expensive.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dear Mr Lin.
I woke up this morning knowing that today is going to be an important day.
This afternoon I got my hair cut. It is short. I like it. I think, that was important. I'm on my way to having an important day.
But I didn't just stop there.
I saw your blog about interns and decided that I should be one. I should be your intern #____.
I think, that would also be important. And that would make my day extra important.
I also think that I would be good at interning. I'm good at making people smile. And interns should be people that make other people smile.
Sincerely,
Hannah
i just came up with a good idea, which is: an intern pyramid scheme.
so i will be your intern and then i will contract out 400 of my own interns to help you and then they will contract out 400 interns each to help them to help me. soon the whole internet will be full of interns... oh my god it is the INTERNet, the mystery has been solved.
thanks jess, which story?
miles, you followed directions, good job, i will add you soon to that list of interns, you are intern #8, i like your intern blog, for vegan help go here: nutritional-yeast.blogspot.com
stephanie, you are intern #8
allen, you are intern #9
hannah, you are intern #10
conn, chris killen, my intern #5, and i discussed something called 'intern club,' i think you're also describing that
if you can make it happen i will support you
what happened to that interview conn
Dear Tao,
I believe I would make an excellent addition to your intern pool. Occasionally I might even be motivated to do something, like troll the internet obsessively and thoroughly for sites that drop your name. I'm also assertive and if you point someone out to me and want me to make them cry, there's a good chance I'll make that happen.
i would like to be an intern
i think you should say "no" to a few people just to throw them off
and then say "just kidding" to see if they still want to be an intern, you know, to test their devotion to the position
This morning between five and six o clock pacific time I produced from my lungs an oblong chunk of green phlegm which landed on my photocopies from "you are a little bit happier than i am."
I think the phlegm wishes to be an intern. Clearly it is devoted to you.
tao,
good luck with your minions. let us all pray for your well being that there is not any sort of intern upheaval in which they turn against you and steal your identity and burn your skin. that would be really horrible. i predict that at least one of the interns will begin seriously stalking you. i will buy you a can of intern repellant (bleach; aim for the eyes).
Hey Tao, Love Bed and Eeeee Eee Eeee. This concept is a sound one, like Darby Crash of the Germs in LA circa 1979 giving out "Germs Burns" with a lit cigarette to his followers, only without the masochistic overtones and Pat Smear on bass. Like intern # 5, I am also called Chris and live in the UK but I assure you I am not the same Chris making multiple applications out of a misguided sense of entitlement and/or an inflated sense of my own intern skills. I live in Cambridge not Manchester and would like to be intern # x. Best, the other Chris
tao
i will start my interview again soon.
sorry about that.
i had to have a meeting with the other editor and she said that there are "special guidelines" i have to follow when conducting author interviews, and she still hasn't emailed me the guidelines yet.
what have i done?
i want to be intern #12
dear tao,
my name is dennis and i want to be your intern #__ because i read your blog all the time and i write. i write in all lower-case like you do on your blog, not in your published work. i am also already your friend on facebook, and i'm already in a poetry blog with my friends that noah cicero joined. those five things are really my main qualifications, not that it matters.
also, i think i saw you on the street by the metropolitan musueum one day around but i wasn't sure if it was the real you or whether it was your doppleganger(s). because i'd never actually met you or your doppleganger(s), so i felt embarassed to go up to a very theoretical tao lin and introduce myself - especially because i am scared of evil dopplegangers, but now i have to stop this line of thinking because the word doppleganger sounds stupid repeated so often in a single sentence.
-dennis
jillian,
my interns require no devotion, even if they hate me they can be my intern, i accept all interns
thank you for being an intern
click,
if your phlegm makes a blog i can link to it and it can be my intern
kendra,
an intern uprising would make me excited and happy, i hope this happens, someone should organize it
chris,
thank you for being an intern
conn tomas o'brien,
okay, good
thank you
justin,
you have done good things
thank you
x,
thank you for being an intern
dennis,
thank you for being an intern
go here and look and tell me if you want the link changed
I don't know what number intern you are up to, but I decided I would like to be intern #19. I don't think you are up to 19 yet, but I like to plan ahead. I am not a very good blogger, as I stopped writing my other blog about 5 months ago, but I will try to be a better intern. I make good coffee.
Thank you for your consideration.
thank you elizabeth
all interns have been added
together we have accomplished something
good job
I want to be your intern. I suck, but I have the desire to improve.
you are #15
Tao, you'll have fun writing letters of rec. I'm doing that now for MFA programs, ironically enough. It's fun.
I also field phone calls from random temp agencies and find myself conjuring ad-hoc exhortational lies about authorized embellishments to No Record staffer resumes.
Which of these processes - convincing crotchety fake-writer-turned-MFA-admission-decision-person, or convincing overweight-miserable-temp-agency-person, of relative merits of someone you care about is more fun? Try both, and decide for yourself!
i'm not writing any letters, they're doing it themselves signing my name
I've finally made my intern blog:
http://internten.blogspot.com/
A No Record contributor who's also applying to law school had a member of congress write him a letter of recommendation. Apparently this member also let him write his letter of rec.
Then again, congress is, with a few exceptions, corrupt and ineffective.
Clearly, then, you should use the publication of your poetry book in May, and your staunch opposition to "establishment" literature as a platform for presenting yourself as Barack Obama's running-mate.
Tao Lin: leader of the Senate.
Imagine how many white house interns you'll have to choose from then!
hi tao,
i would like to be your intern number 400. people will be impressed when you will refer to your intern number 400 because they would assume that that must mean you have at least 400 interns. thank you for your consideration,
intern number 400
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i would like a photo intern maybe but i am stopping internships now
personage is intern #400
no more interns
thank you everyone
tao. what. i really wanted to be an intern.
if by chance you are still taking, i'll be whatever number is necessary.
i would probably finally buy your literature.
though i am planning to do this anyway.
Oh no, I'm too late. Why does this always happen?
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