freedom from having to pay cash for a book
*update* free books offer has ended, i woke up with 11 more requests than i have books, many people are now free from the oppression of having to pay money for a book; anyone who wanted my book but was too depressed to complete and send an email do not email me anymore but if you want you can order the book from here but if you already emailed me i will send the book sometime when i have some, thank you for making america an even more free country *update*
i have some copies of the second edition of eeeee eee eeee
email me your address if you don't have it and haven't read it, i will mail you one
don't email me if you already read it
the second edition features DVD commentary from jonathan safran foer
if i win this ($20,000) or this ($5,000) i will hire an NYU MFA student to mail my next book for free to many people
i will hire an MFA student from the new school to create microsoft excel spreadsheets of who my book has been mailed to
they will enjoy these experiences a lot because they will anticipate (even while it's happening) conveying them in conversations for the rest of their lives to show the pain and suffering of their lives and also how funny and interesting their lives are
one of my employees will try to impress me by typing sentences that don't make sense in emails to me, some of their sentence fragments will have violent things in it involving animals and also instead of saying 'sex' they will always say 'fuck'
they will write stories that say 'i fucked her' instead of 'i had sex with her' or 'we had sex'
which will convey the pain and suffering of their lives, and of all lives, that people get fucked instead of having sex or intercouse or putting their penis into a vagina
at poetry readings people will laugh while nodding their heads when the words 'ass' 'breast' 'penis' 'chopin' 'chomsky' 'che' 'ayn rand' 'alice notley' 'john ashbery' 'billy collins' 'citibank' 'hummus' 'falafel' 'organic food' are used
if something is referenced that is not widely-known information people in the audience will laugh very loudly while moving their heads to show everyone that they know this thing that is not widely known, some may even approach the poet after the reading saying loudly, 'that is so true about chopin's fantasie impromptu being the best example of romanticism from a pre-raphaelite perspective!'
people nearby who are hating their lives and hating the universe will somehow agree with this aloud because it is easier to do that than to try to argue, these people will go home and have 2-hour gmail chats talking shit about poetry readings
if a poet uses big words in a syntax that is completely ineffective at conveying information to most human beings on earth but then uses an idiomatic expression like 'i fucked her in the ass'
people will laugh loudly because the person has mixed 'high culture' and 'low culture'
if a poet reads a poem that has rhetoric and the rhetoric condemns a certain concept or group of people or kind of person or type of music or type of poetry
people will nod and laugh loudly and even shake their heads up and down sometimes
these people will never look around the room, they will never stop staring at the poet
because they fear if they look away they might convey that they are not completely 'engrossed' in the poem, the words, the syntax, the sounds
they are 'getting it,' a lot
they are so 'lost in it' that they are laughing loudly, shaking their heads, and nodding uncontrollably, it is so good that they are intellectual and can process poetry in this completely engrossing way, they are not bored, life is very interesting and wondrous
why am i still typing?
i think someone in the foo fighters is one of judges of the story prize, scroll back up and click the link, i listened to the foo fighters in middle school
i have some copies of the second edition of eeeee eee eeee
email me your address if you don't have it and haven't read it, i will mail you one
don't email me if you already read it
the second edition features DVD commentary from jonathan safran foer
if i win this ($20,000) or this ($5,000) i will hire an NYU MFA student to mail my next book for free to many people
i will hire an MFA student from the new school to create microsoft excel spreadsheets of who my book has been mailed to
they will enjoy these experiences a lot because they will anticipate (even while it's happening) conveying them in conversations for the rest of their lives to show the pain and suffering of their lives and also how funny and interesting their lives are
one of my employees will try to impress me by typing sentences that don't make sense in emails to me, some of their sentence fragments will have violent things in it involving animals and also instead of saying 'sex' they will always say 'fuck'
they will write stories that say 'i fucked her' instead of 'i had sex with her' or 'we had sex'
which will convey the pain and suffering of their lives, and of all lives, that people get fucked instead of having sex or intercouse or putting their penis into a vagina
at poetry readings people will laugh while nodding their heads when the words 'ass' 'breast' 'penis' 'chopin' 'chomsky' 'che' 'ayn rand' 'alice notley' 'john ashbery' 'billy collins' 'citibank' 'hummus' 'falafel' 'organic food' are used
if something is referenced that is not widely-known information people in the audience will laugh very loudly while moving their heads to show everyone that they know this thing that is not widely known, some may even approach the poet after the reading saying loudly, 'that is so true about chopin's fantasie impromptu being the best example of romanticism from a pre-raphaelite perspective!'
people nearby who are hating their lives and hating the universe will somehow agree with this aloud because it is easier to do that than to try to argue, these people will go home and have 2-hour gmail chats talking shit about poetry readings
if a poet uses big words in a syntax that is completely ineffective at conveying information to most human beings on earth but then uses an idiomatic expression like 'i fucked her in the ass'
people will laugh loudly because the person has mixed 'high culture' and 'low culture'
if a poet reads a poem that has rhetoric and the rhetoric condemns a certain concept or group of people or kind of person or type of music or type of poetry
people will nod and laugh loudly and even shake their heads up and down sometimes
these people will never look around the room, they will never stop staring at the poet
because they fear if they look away they might convey that they are not completely 'engrossed' in the poem, the words, the syntax, the sounds
they are 'getting it,' a lot
they are so 'lost in it' that they are laughing loudly, shaking their heads, and nodding uncontrollably, it is so good that they are intellectual and can process poetry in this completely engrossing way, they are not bored, life is very interesting and wondrous
why am i still typing?
i think someone in the foo fighters is one of judges of the story prize, scroll back up and click the link, i listened to the foo fighters in middle school
21 Comments:
send me a copy. i'll trade you a dot to dot of the abstraction 'fear'. i will read the book and pass it onto to somebody else. i will tell them to read it and then pass it on. soon, so many people will read your book that the world will change. do it.
ps: i hope you win that prize. i hope those people find you important. i hope you get that engraved silver bowl. that sounds nice.
I already read it and threw my first edition copy up. It was so- so. You should throw the story you've submitted up here. Also, Patricia Grohl was in the Foo Fighters. Wesley Willis wrote this song about her and her band - "Pat Grohl
You are a rock star
You are a rocking maniac
You can really sing your horse-wupping ass off
You can really whip a polar bear's ass
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
You are my buddy to the max
You are my friend to the friendly end
You are a nice friend
I like you fairly well
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
You are so handsome like Gretel
You are a good friend
You are on my side
You are on my side with the midas touch
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Pat Grohl
Subway, it's the place where fresh is the taste"
Also, I googled her and found out her nickname in college was Patty "Sweetcakes" Grohl so you should work that into your acceptance stump speech.
this made me laugh like 8 times
i like this post a lot.
you stole your idea for this post from a poem of mine:
wistfully
we discussed
the implications
of Celine's mysanthropy
and flirtation with nazi'ism
and how it related to his views
on humanity expressed
in journey to the end of the night
and then
i fucked her
in the ass
... and i will sue you.
I would gladly accept a mailed copy of Eeeee Eee Eeee. I have been reading Bed for a while now, slowly, in bed before falling asleep. I am enjoying it. The last poetry reading I went to featured a man reciting (I think he improvised a lot of it) a long poem about "ooh, girl, yes, and we ate a mango..." while accompanying himself on the kora. This was in 2004. I went because I was interning for a woman who thought the man with the kora was brilliant and should be teaching children to write their own poems about "ooh, girl, yes, and we ate a mango...".
follow directions, you didn't email me now the offer is over
tony, i will meet you in a court of law
Go fly a french fry.
i played fantasie impromptu in highschool. i am moving my head at you. you mentioned fantasie impromptu in eeeee eee eeee too i think. it must take up a large space in your brain.
i am nodding, erotically
i played fantasie impromptu in high school
Dear Mister Tao Lin,
Please send me a copy of eeeee eee eeee. i'm a little more than half way through your other book, bed. honestly, it's not the best book i read but i can't put it down for some reason. i'm basically addicted to it. life and school and being an honors kid sucks most of the time. i live for hot showers and pink skies. i don't know what i'm typing. i've never left a comment on a blog thingy.
anyways, i don't even know if you're really mister tao lin reading this. i hope so because that would make my day... yes i would very much appreciate a free copy if you're really giving out free copies to begin with.
oh and how do i email you? =/
grace, email me by binky.tabby [at] gmail.com
Or people can win a copy of Eeeee Eee Eeee at The Hipster Book Club.
I was once riding in a car away from an SAT tutoring center with a woman who held an MFA in poetry from the University of Iowa. She said that she had taken a class with Jonathan Saffron Foer when the two of them were at Princeton. I asked her what kind of person Jonathan Saffron Foer was and she said that she really couldn't say, because one of her friends had known him better than she had known him and her friend had told her not to talk about her and him to anyone other than her, whatever that meant.
Several months ago my Managing Editor, who works at a buddhist magazine, and myself were at a party in Brooklyn and after we had achieved inebriation my Managing Editor explained that she been on a study abroad program in Spain with some person who recently published some book about zoo animals that George Saunders had blurbed by saying that the author sounded "mature beyond his years."
Then recently I was on the internet and came acorss something that said that this young zoo animal book person had gone to the same elite preparatory school as Jonathan Saffron Foer in Washington, D.C. and he was the offspring of a family of media giants that included the cousin of someone who wrote a eurocentric book about Japanese women.
And now Tao is getting blurbed by the friend of a friend of a cousin who wrote a eurocentric book about Japanese women and is linked to a media empire.
It's Christmastime in the Nowhere Place!
Tao, you must look better than any of the past three winners.
But hasn't Judge O'Rourke, been defended by Gawker against criticisms that she "embodies the worst aspects of a self-referential New York City in-crowd"?
Then again, she is Gouervich's poetry editor.
Gouervich is Eggers' friend.
Eggers endorsed Foer's book.
Foer is endorsing your work.
Somehow, it may make sense.
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Everyone always trys to impress Mr. Lin by writing in the same style he writes in.
Mr. Lin sees that junk all the time and I think he would appreciate it if you 'do you.'
maybe...
gosh you are so brilliant tao. i will have your babies.
Phee, if your recent post on this topic is meant to reference my recent post on this topic, your assertion of imitation, the motivations behind imitation,
are incorrect. Granted, houses of mirrors have become somewhat of a gold standard among America's creative "elite" (why else do so many MFA programs require GRE scores?); then again, the small press I run is set up in diametrical opposition to those "elite" enterprises - in no small part because I think a house of mirrors is a parlor trick.
To be honest, I only write in the above-referenced manner when I'm intoxicated. When intoxicated, I become wrapped in an opaque shroud of self-indulgence in which all a posteriori prepositions are revealed as metaphorical Taj Mahals whose minarets are full of flames tearing down columns towards the ancient impoverished soil of a jungle. Even then, I'd dispute your notion that this style is "similar" to Tao's own. I can't speak for Tao, but I know that my own writing is a lot better than that.
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