i am going to type about what happened

at my readings in California and Washington and Oregon. I will type quickly and give little or no insight but also try to use no cliches of language. I think this will be okay. This is a blog. I don't think I like insight. I prefer just knowing what happened. Yes. Okay. I will try to convey a lot of information using a simple and concrete prose style with few commas and no description and few ideas not in dialogue.

OAKLAND

In Oakland I arrived there and David Larsen called me. He was in a car. He drove me to a grocery store. He was singing something a little in the car idly and I thought I heard him sing "Dave Eggers" but he said he didn't sing "Dave Eggers." I believed him. When I looked out the window I thought about Dave Eggers. We were in San Francisco I think. Yes. That is where the airport was. At David's apartment he talked about Greece, that he liked Greek food, and he made us salads and we ate them. He said lettuce made him feel more capable of a person after he ate it. That is a paraphrase. Later we ate artichokes and he said that eating the middle of an artichoke made his mouth feel very clean. That is a paraphrase. Everything will be a paraphrase from now on unless I put it in quotes. The Stranger wants me to write an "Audience Review" for them and I am going to use all this shit I type now and edit it to 750 words and submit that to them I think. I think they will pay me. David Larsen is good. He drove me to 21 Grand which is the place where the New Yipes reading was at and we helped another guy set up chairs and everything. I think the guy's name was Darren. Or Roger or something. After a while Sara Wintz was there. She emailed me a long time ago asking me to come read at New Yipes and I said I would come if my publisher paid for it. Sara was on a ladder and then she got off. Later I went outside and climbed the ladder and saw David Larsen and I think Darren on the roof and they told me to take a beer bottle that was there and I did and Sara laughed and it had something to do with the beer bottle that she laughed but I was a little confused. I went to buy grapes from a Korean grocery store. Later Clay Banes arrived with a box of books by me and Stephanie Young to sell. Stephanie Young read and did things with still images from Fay Grim and something with Google maps. A guitar person did some things. I read. Clay Banes was very calm and it was good to sit by him. David Larsen was very funny when he introduced me. He said something about cell phones. The more he talked the funnier it became and at the end the audience was laughing loudly and then when they were laughing the most he ended the introduction. It was impressive. I read. I sat. Someone named Jack Morgan talked to me before that and said he read my book in the store. I was going to stay with Kaya Oakes but she had cats and I am allergic. Sara asked if I liked hats and held out a hat. I smelled it. She said not to smell it. Everyone went to a bar and Sara Wintz bought me an Irish Coffee. Thank you Sara. I didn't know it had cream or I forgot but it was already made so I drank most of it. It was good. David Larsen was there and he was very calm and stood in one place listening to someone. I remember seeing him standing there very calmly listening to another person and he looked wise. It was good. People decided to leave and we stood in front of the bar. I talked to Jack Morgan's friend Sara Mumolo. A man tried to sell Sara Mumolo and I a thing for a dollar. It was a good thing but I did not have a dollar. The man tried to sell it to another person. Jack Morgan and I talked about how there are two Matthew Rohrers. There is a West Coast one and an East Coast one. I took A Green Light out of my bag and held it and asked if anyone had read it. About ten people looked at me. No one had read it. Another person said "Matthew Rohrer" but she was talking about the West Coast Matthew Rohrer. I stood there and thought about the two Matthew Rohrers and I laughed very intensely then stopped. We stood some more. Jack Morgan said people defriended him on Facebook. Sara Mumolo said to Jack Morgan to have me eat Indian food with them the next day and Jack Morgan asked me and I said okay. I saw Sara Wintz walking in place a little like stomping her feet a little. I thought that I had just been doing that and that I do that a lot of the time. I said that she did it also. She said it meant wanting to go. She said another thing that meant that was ramming the top of her head into people. She rammed the top of her head toward me and I said that I did that too and I rammed the top of my head against her head a little while stomping my feet to convey wanting to go. It was good. We stopped doing that. We began to walk. We walked. David Larsen was there at Sara Wintz's car and David Larsen's car and two of Sara Wintz's friends' car. We got in cars. Sara Wintz's apartment had people that weren't there because they were all moving or had moved and I slept on a box spring with a blanket on top of it. She gave me a towel and I showered and dried and slept. She put her only light in my room. Thank you Sara Wintz.

BERKELEY

In the morning I was going to go to Pegasus which is the bookstore Clay Banes works at but there was confusion and I ended up not going to the bookstore. I checked my email on Sara Wintz's computer. We became Myspace friends. She said if I liked Mirah and I said I did. She had "Vegan with a Vengeance" and tried to give it to me but I said no. I did not want the book. I said there was ice cream made out of coconuts and cashews and agave syrup in New York City at Pure Food & Wine and she said to take her there and I said okay. We went to a cafe and Sara Wintz's friend Katie was there because she worked there and she did funny things. It was fun. We went to an antique store and Sara did things that were funny. I drank coffee. Sara has a press called Pretty Panicks Press and it made postcards and we went to a bookstore and it had the postcards. I have some now. This post is going to be very long. I might be typing too much. No. I don't think so. I am doing well so far. Sara and I washed her car of bird shit. Sara's roommate's boyfriend walked outside carrying things talking about Werner Herzog to someone else. A man came and took Sara's car. Sara was concerned and I told her to pet the car but it was far away. I said the car was not covered and many different kinds of birds would shit on it I think. She thought the car might be lonely or unhappy and I said antidepressants. To console her I pet her hair but really I think I pet it under the pretense of consolation because I thought it was nice hair and wanted to pet it a little. She walked me to to bus stop to get on a bus that would take me to Moe's which is where I was reading that night. I made it to Moe's. At Moe's Sara's friend Katie was there and Katie's friend Belinda. The person wanted to start the reading and I said, "My friend Jack Morgan isn't here yet." "I'm here," Jack Morgan said. He was standing in front wearing sunglasses. It was good. Katie gave me an organic heirloom tomato. After the reading we went to eat. Jack Morgan and I talked about Ben Lerner. We said Ben Lerner was good. I ordered a chili thing. Katie and I ate the chili thing with the salad by it and we started putting things on it and after a while there was a butter packet in it and the tomato was in pieces on it and there was a lot of salt in it and onion rings from a different person's meal and I think pieces of fries and olive oil and water from a water glass to wash the tomato at one point over the chili bowl. I was embarrassed and afraid. Katie put a paper napkin over it and it was covered and we were safe a little. Jack's friend Casey was there. I don't know if it's spelled like that. Casey paid with his credit card. We found out he gave a four dollar tip for like a fifty dollar meal and we were all afraid I think. Katie and I took out one dollar bills and put it on top of the paper napkin that covered the thing we had made that we were embarrassed about. I said that we should leave quickly. I think I said that. Or I thought that. Then we left. After that some people left. Jack Morgan and his friend Sara Mumolo and Casey and his friend and I went to a place and sat there. Jack Morgan said he had gotten a blowjob on a plane in his seat and also had sex in the bathroom on the plane and also in an elevator before. After a while we were playing paper football on the table. I had gotten Optic Nerve #10 and #11 by Adrian Tomine and at one point I was reading them and other people were reading them and Jack Morgan said something about that. After that at one point like three people were looking at their cell phones sending each other photos and someone said something about that and we left. I slept on an air mattress in Jack Morgan's apartment. When I arrived the air mattress and a pillow and a blanket were already set up in the room and I thought that was nice of Jack Morgan. Thank you Jack Morgan. Jack Morgan let me check my email. We became Facebook friends. He gave me an issue of a magazine for his poetry collective he had that was called The Trainwreck Union that doesn't exist anymore. I showed Jack Morgan Bear Parade and he said the design was very good. I said that Gene Morgan designed it. I think I said that. I asked Jack Morgan if I could wash the ends of my red socks and hang them in his bathroom and he was confused and said he was too laid back to be asked a question like that and I washed the sock ends and put them on a thing to dry. At 5 a.m. there were very scary and loud noises outside in different directions. I thought someone had a shotgun and was on a killing rampage. Then I had an image of a tank coming in through the wall running us over. We went outside. It was a car crash. A small young Asian man who we later agreed was probably an incoming student at Berkeley was apologizing to someone else. He had driven into a parked car and then tried to get away I think but then drove into another parked car. A black man wearing nice clothes was saying to the small young Asian man things like "Don't apologize to me. The Feds coming. You're going to have to deal with them." "You're going away for a long time man." "You smell like a brewery." And I think he said something like "You're fucked man." I'm not sure about the last one. Jack Morgan and I were laughing. But I think we both felt sympathy and compassion. The man who drove into parked cars kept apologizing and eventually even stood in front of Jack Morgan and apologized. We went back inside and another person said a cliche. He said "Never a dull moment." I didn't like him. When we went back inside Jack Morgan asked me something about alligators and then something about bats. I felt a little confused but I answered his questions and we went to sleep.

SEATTLE

In the morning Jack Morgan said Ben Lerner was in Mexico. He had emailed Ben Lerner the night before asking if Ben Lerner wanted to eat with me and him and Sara Mumolo. But he was in Mexico. We went to a curry place and ate. Sara Mumolo came. She ate. She took a photo of me and I said I looked like an asshole and she sent the photo to me with subject "Asshole." I deleted the photo. "Do you want to go to the Marina?" Sara Mumolo said. Jack Morgan said he did. They drove me to the airport. I got out and found no cell phone. I called my cell phone from a pay phone. Jack Morgan answered and said I left my cell phone in the car. They drove and gave it to me. Thank you Sara and Jack. I sat on the plane. In Seattle Matthew Simmons stood there. I saw him. He showed me a paper he had that said my first name on it and a drawing from my blog that had a strange animal with an n+1 tote bag. I said I met Keith Gessen in the subway in New York City. I said Keith Gessen said McSweeney's was bad because they did not really lose $130,000 because they gained a lot of money and they just didn't gain that $130,000. We walked to Matthew Simmons' car and it was his girlfriend's family's car I think. We drove to Seattle. There was traffic. We found the store. At the store a man in a bearsuit interviewed me. Matthew brought an amplifier and a keyboard thing. I asked Matthew many times what the plan was and what I should read. Many of the times I asked his answer was different for what his plans were with the amplifier and the keyboard. I was afraid and nervous. We walked to a grocery store and Matthew paid for a Kombucha and a banana for me. Thank you Matthew. We went back to the bookstore which was Elliott Bay Book Company. Matthew's friend Ross Simonini was there and he had a guitar. I asked him what the plan was. He didn't know. I asked Matthew what the plan was. He didn't know. My friend Jessi Meliza came from Olympia and she was there. Brandon Scott Gorrell came and I made it so he sat next to Jessi and Jessi's friends. I sat on the floor and felt afraid. There were many people. I read. I threw CDs at people. The CDs were CDs of songs by Matthew Simmons' and I's band called Sad Bear vs. Happy Cobra. People who asked questions got CDs and I threw them and some were afraid. I thought it was safe. I threw them high so it wouldn't hit people's faces. Someone asked me if I thought it was good to be lonely and alone and I said to know what is good I would need to know what my goal in life was and I did not know that. I defeated him. He did not have a follow-up question. Another person asked if I wrote allegory and I said if people saw a dolphin in the ocean they would not say "What is the significance of that dolphin." I defeated this person also. Matt Briggs asked me how many writers I had defeated in battle and what I did with them after I defeated them. I think he defeated me because I pointed at someone else and had them answer the question for me and she said seven writers and that she put them in a hole I think. I had planned to make other people answer other people's questions so I felt embarrassed and wanted to let the audience know that was not spontaneous but that was too complex to convey and I think presumptuous and really it was just a personal thing and it would be selfish to involve the audience and confuse them by conveying any further information about what I did with the pointing. An Australian asked me if the story I read was a poem. I said it was not. I read a poem. I sat at a table and drew things in books. The people left. Brandon Scott Gorrell and Matthew Simmons and Ross Simonini and some new people and Jessi Meliza and her friends were still there and everyone stood and it was decided we would go somewhere. We got in a car. Two cars. In the car I was in Brandon asked if Tony O'Neill really won $10,000. I said he did not win $10,000. We ate food at a place. We walked to a bar and sat and I talked a little with Travis Nichols. I said "Did you write that thing about Jim Berhle in the Village Voice." He said he did. He said Jeff Clark designed Matthew Rohrer's book A Green Light. I remembered that Jack Morgan had also talked about Jeff Clark. Travis Nichols said that Matthew Zapruder recommended my reading to him. I said Matthew Zapruder was famous. In the bar Travis Nichols asked me who I thought was famous. I said Ben Lerner. He said Jonathan Safran Foer. I said for poetry. Travis Nichols is a calm man with a friendly demeanor and I liked him. So far I have liked every name I have mentioned on this page. Likes and dislikes cannot be quantified. People are inherently meaningless unless within a context and a goal and I do not view the names I have typed on this page as machines with jobs within contexts and goals and so I cannot quantify their value which means I cannot rank which person I liked more than whatever other person. I feel better now. I had a good book tour. Okay. Then Matthew Simmons and I left and we went to his apartment. His cat is Emmett. Matthew had many books and all books I like or are books by people associated with people that I like and I was impressed. Matthew vacuumed the futon and it was a nice gesture. He gave me Benadryl and I swallowed one Benadryl. Matthew let me use the Internet and I showed him the Facebook group called "Matthew Simmons." He did not know about this group. It is a group called "Matthew Simmons" with his face there and no other information and there are about thirty people in the group. I sneezed many times but then stopped sneezing and slept. In the morning I was afraid and I called Matthew Simmons with my cell phone. "Did you oversleep?" I said. I think he said he did a little. But that we would be okay. He showered. I asked if I could use his razor to shave. He said I could. Or wait. I think I did that the night before. Yes. I asked the night before. I showered. We went outside and drove and then walked. Matthew wore a nice shirt and a tie. I walked. We walked. We entered University Bookstore's technology place where Matthew Simmons works in an office upstairs writing things. Matthew showed me that he had Noah Cicero's "Treatise" on his computer. He handed me a book and I looked at it. Outside he showed me where to go and I went. I checked my email and drank coffee. Jessi Meliza text messaged me and we text messaged and she arrived with her friend Gabrielle. We saw a children's book with a penguin and the child in the book was pushing the penguin's ass to get out of a boat. Jessi made noises to show she liked that. We looked at every page and it was good. We were indecisive about where to eat and then Jessi said she really liked when people were indecisive especially when it was herself who was indecisive. I thought that that was nice of her and funny of her to like that. Later she said she was being sarcastic. We walked past a Korean restaurant but agreed it was shitty. We walked past another Korean restaurant that was even shittier we all agreed. We walked past about five more places and then went into a Greek Restaurant. We planned to go to a Wine store by a person named Doug whose last name I forget who wrote a book called "Never Again" that never repeated the same word. We sat on a bus and all became very tired. I lay on the seat. Gabrielle said she felt very tired suddenly. The bus arrived and we walked off and walked to the library. We walked in a hallway that was red and purple and orange and we walked around in the different parts of it. Jessi and Gabrielle went to their bus to go back to Olympia and I went to use the Internet. I gmail chatted with Brandon Scott Gorrell and said I would text message him later. Later I text messaged him and I walked to his work and he met me and we walked away from his work toward a place where we would eat. Someone named Tami had emailed me saying I could stay at her place but I was afraid and now I had Brandon to stay with and I said I would stay with Brandon. At the restaurant I went to the bathroom and came back and Brandon said he saw a person touching a dog and then the dog did something and the person walked backward and acted very strangely and afraid and Brandon said the person must have been on drugs and had a really bad experience. We walked and got on a bus. We got off the bus and walked to the store and Brandon sat in the front row. A parent with young children came. I said I was afraid. I said Matthew Simmons should tell the audience I was going to read something that was rated R. Ross Simonini was there and we had a plan where I would make a hand signal and pause in my reading and then he would play something. He would play a guitar solo. Another parent and the parent's partner came with a young child. When I say young child I mean like fifteen or something. Matthew Simmons introduced me and said it was going to be rated R and he said more things and did a nice introduction. Thank you Matthew. I stood there and couldn't find "Hot Amoeba Ass" so I did not read it and read the other things. I looked up sometimes. I looked at Ross Simonini and I think I did the hand signal and I saw his hands were away from the guitar and then he played a solo. Matthew Simmons had happy music playing that we had all agreed I think would be funny in contrast to my depressing stories. I asked the audience if it was stupid and they said it was. We stopped the music. I read and finished. I took questions. I just sat here with my hand in a position that made me look pensive and could only think of one question that was asked and that was what college I went to and I said New York University. I had five CDs and people came up and got them. Thank you Matthew for making CDs with nice sleeves and everything. At one point Matthew and I said we were signed to Virgin Records. Oh yeah. That was at Elliott Bay during the interview with the man in the bearsuit. The reading was over. The children came and I drew in their books. Someone mentioned Miranda July. A person said they were unemployed but if I would draw on their paper. I wrote "Fuck America" and drew a hamster and she was satisfied. Me and Brandon and Ross and Ross' friend whose name I can't remember because I didn't hear it correctly went to a restaurant. The person's name was Cork or Corky or something like that I think. He said his last name at one point and I think neither Brandon or I understood and then after that he said another name and said something about a pen name. Ross is the interviews editor for The Believer and he talked about that. I said Joy Williams doesn't have many interviews anywhere. He said he fasted every six months. I think he said six months. Brandon asked if the shit was black and if it was less shit or more shit. Ross said the shit didn't look good but it was normal shit because during fasting he takes fiber pills I think. Privately I thought that I wanted to fast but then I thought that I am very skinny even when I eat a lot and if I fasted I would be emaciated. Ross' friend talked about Werner Herzog's new movie. I said it was like how he said it was like because it had a lot of producers whereas other Herzog movies did not have producers which means Herzog could make all the choices. They agreed. They talked about a movie called Cache by Haneke. I ate all of Ross' friend's food. Brandon said the food I ordered for him and I was oily and heavy and I ate some of his food I had put on his plate. Tami was at another table with a person. Outside the restaurant when Brandon was in the bathroom I ran in place for a moment and looked at Ross and he made an amused expression on his face I think. I was glad I think. Sometimes I want to hit something. Ross and his friend left and Brandon and I talked about if we should get an interview in The Believer. We thought that we should. Brandon said he would email Ross. He said he would email Ross now. I think. We went to the bus. We took the bus. We went to a video store and it was closed. We went to Hollywood Video. Brandon asked if they could take seven dollars off his fine. The person was confused. The manager said no but that he could get the movie for free if he paid his fines. We got Cache. We went back to Brandon's apartment and watched the movie. A little bit into the movie we stopped and looked at Myspace and Youtube. A man on Youtube wore 155 shirts and broke a record. It took four hours. We saw a demon baby on Youtube. We looked at our statcounters. We watched the movie. Brandon drank apple juice out of a giant thing and he had an empty liquor thing. Jack Morgan sent me a picture to my phone where he was wearing sunglasses and a skull ring and had "FUCK PAIN" tattooed on his knuckles. I showed Brandon. I slept on the sofa and felt comfortable. Brandon is good. He is writing a novel and it will be good. Thank you for letting me stay there Brandon. In the movie a man kept lying and we called him an asshole and then an ass and then a jackass. In the morning Brandon walked me to the bus. Tami came and gave me fruit and a thing with raisins in it. Thank you Tami.

PORTLAND

I got off the bus in Portland. I walked around. I had a Mapquest thing with directions where to walk and I did that. I saw many people in wheelchairs and people who seemed drunk but they did not appear angry or frustrated but calm and accepting. I walked about 15 blocks. I walked across a bridge. I drank two giant waters to stop from being too hot. I went in a cafe and bought an organic strawberry banana drink and drank it. I bought an iced coffee thing. I used their internet. I went outside and drank the coffee thing and kept walking and I walked about 25 blocks and went into a Wild Oats grocery store. I got three organic apricots and nuts and seeds and walked outside and walked about 40 more blocks and felt proud I walked a lot with a heavy bag in hot weather without thinking bad thoughts and feeling calm and good. I got the bookstore. I walked around. The organizer found me and let me use the internet in his office and he was nice. He was very nice. He gave me ginger juice and assured me it was made out of good ingredients. I drank it and felt healthy. "It tastes healthy," I said. He talked about Powell's and I asked him questions and he answered them. Madison Glass and Will Gallien came and text messaged me and I went and met them. I met Madison Glass once before in New York City. She and Will are editors for Alice Blue Review. Alice Blue Review is good. I told them Melville House was publishing a cook book. I went to read and I read a story. Someone asked me how I was so good at writing that even though nothing was happening he was still interested. I said I typed sentences and then kept typing. I looked and people were not satisfied. I said I typed sentences and then if they were bad I deleted them and typed more sentences. People were satisfied. The man was enthusiastic and other people began to ask questions and many questions were asked. I answered. It was over. Someone gave me "Dolphin and Friends" snack things. A friend of Sara Wintz's and Jack Morgan's that was at the other reading whose name is Cassie was here also and I said hi to her and we talked and other people talked. Someone came and said he was getting my books for his birthday or something. He gave me "The Human War" by Noah Cicero and asked if I could sign that. I drew a squid and wrote "POVERTY" under it and he said his name was Colin and he went away. The organizer was good and we shook hands and I drew things in all the copies of "Bed" they had. Thank you Powell's on Hawthorne. Madison Glass stood and the other people asked if I wanted to go drink with them and I said I was eating with my friends and pointed at Madison and Will. I gave one of the people my poetry book. I had one copy that I accidentally stole from University Bookstore because I used it to read out of it one thing and then forgot it wasn't mine and only found out in Portland. This is no one's fault. I think. I think I will send a copy back to Matthew Simmons when I send him other things. Cassie showed me a book and it was a book she had given the other person and the other person asked her if he could give his copy to me and he gave it to me. It had his name in it I think. I think something like that. Will and Madison and I left and got in their car. Thank you for driving me to dinner Madison and Will. Madison wanted to take me to an organic vegan place called Paradox and we parked and she talked to someone. The place was ten blocks away. We saw a Thai place and went there. I asked Madison about Alice Blue Review's Chinchilla photo and said Brandon Scott Gorrell wanted to know about that and she said she took the photo and changed the contrast. Then she said she didn't change the contrast but just took the photo. I ate all their food. They said I ate a lot of food. I made a noise. Will talked about his job. His job was to find out where to put things to get them to sell and if there is an equation to figure out if you put what thing where in the store if it will sell a certain percentage more or not. We left and decided to go to the main Powell's and we drove and parked and people were partying in downtown Portland. People were drinking and partying and there were five children jumping on a stage as we drove by before we parked. Will said there was a beer festival every weekend. It was a Thursday night around 10:15 p.m. and many people were walking on the streets and they almost all looked like people who went to clubs and were walking from one club to another or something like that. Madison pointed and said that Will worked at where she pointed and it was a store called "Storables." I think. In Powell's I bought three Ann Beattie books and a Chester Brown comic. I picked up "Bad Bad" by Chelsea Minnis and put it back. It was fourteen dollars. The Ann Beattie paperbacks were less than three dollars each. "Bad Bad" looked good. I looked for Mary Ruefle and saw no Mary Ruefle. We paid and left. Madison paid for my dinner. Thank you Madison. I put a twenty on the table and she took it and put her credit card and when they took the credit card she gave me the twenty. They drove me to the airport. Thank you Madison and Will. I read the Chester Brown comic on the plane and some of the Ann Beattie and I wrote something. I will add links to this now. It has taken about two hours to type all this. I feel productive. Thank you everyone for being nice and letting me stay and driving me places and showing me where to go. I am glad I met all of you people. Thank you.