a conversation between noah cicero and tao lin after we return from fighting in iraq; tao lin is noah’s literary agent and i am tao lin

we meet at the olive garden to discuss noah's new novel; here is the transcript

noah: are you there

me: yes

noah: what do you want to do
because we must do it

me: our plan
how though

noah: yes

me: lets start

noah: we are dinner or something right
set the scene

me: yes
we are at the olive garden
we just got back from iraq
i am your literary agent
you are telling me about your book
ok
go

noah: It is about the war; A lot of quotes from mark twain. it mentions how much I like Beckett. There are terroists, over 1200 pages long.

me: i am your literary agent
please put in some inter-racial relationships

noah: I think Random HOuse would love it.

me: does it have a happy ending?

noah: There are some hot Arab chicks in it. I think kate Beckinsale could play the Arab chicks

me: talk about the radical poodle rape scene

noah: Two black guys from Chicago have sex with two white guys from Texas.

me: and where it occurs

noah: While hot arab chicks poke them in the ass with brooksticks

me: i just ordered the ravioli with mushrooms
i wish i were in a tank
in iraq
i'm your literary agent
how did that happen

noah: A french poodle and a german soldier make love, they make lots of love, lots of sex that can go into the movie without being graphic, I studied the works of Tom Wolff to do the sex scenes
I ordered the alfredo pizza
you emailed me because I have such an awesome blog
I sent you my book, "Poodle Love and Brooksticks"
And you loved it

me: your books need politics
give me an angle
salman rushdie must be able to write about it in the new yorker
and john updike

noah: and you are friends with two of MFA teachers

me: tell me your plans to get blurbs from dave eggers

noah: Salmen Rushdie will love it and so will John Updike, it has arabs and terrorists

me: is it life-affirming
michiko kakutani must be able to use that word in her review
or you are fucked

noah: I'm going to join that lit political group just mentioned on bookslut. And become friends and also get an MFA at bennginton. I have four MFAs now.
Yes, at the end the Poodle gets off of crack and stops being a tranvestite lot lizard

me: what is your pen nae
name
i have six MFAs
that is why i am your literary agent

noah: W.S.VULCAN>Slimwheeler
Six, where did you get them?
or Wolf J. Flywheel, which is better?

me: Poodhump Gorbachop
that is your pen name
i am your agent
listen to me
the first four hundred pages must be a description of clouds

noah: that is good!
I will, I promise
you are my Pimp, and I'm your bitch

me: this will be an allegory
against george bush
george saunders will blurb you
he will say you are good

noah: They fluffy, white, and reminds me of my mother in the north of France. Good?

me: wait
wait
where were you born
the ghettos of where

noah: Who is George Sanders? That KFC guy?

me: yeah i think

noah: In Africa, beneath a tree.

me: how did your parents die
how did you go from africa to four MFAs

noah: The ghetto of Johansberg
That is spelled wrong. I haven't been there in a long time. I left before it was my snail mail address.
My parents were eaten by a lion.
They chewed my dad's head off right in front of me.
THen the lion raped my mommy.

me: no, use more abstractions
i'm training you right now
longer sentences
more foreboding words
your sentences msut be foreboding
if you talking about your past
fuck
you are screwing it up

noah: I got to america because I was put in a shoebox, shipped by snail mail to america and two white bastards bought me from a drug dealer

me: do you want a bidding war or not

noah: wait hold on

me: do you want a swimming pool?
talk about your past
again
this time

noah: I was born, under a dark sky. The moon hung low that night. Birds flew ugly and ominous. God did not name me. The devil did. The devil gave my mother a dark seed. And it was my life.

me: think about the bidding war
good, better

noah: My mother used to drink cheap wine and fart while she made the cabbage soup. my father was sniff coke and beat me with a coat hanger. my back would bleed. I would cry for a long time while listening to Over the Rainbow. The Judy Garlend version.

me: talk about the ghettos of africa

noah: When I was shipped over snail mail, I was in a NIke Box. I remember reading, "made in China"

me: condense your answer to one sentence
good
good detail
you need indian, an indian connection
and something to reach the jewish market

noah: I used to be thrown into a dark room. and large hairy men would come in the room, (He is crying, tears, so many tears) and do nasty things to me.

me: remember your jewish ancestors
good, the parenthetical is good

noah: My uncle was a jewish monk. He used to read me the Torah and Phillip Roth novels. When I was two he read me "I married a communist"

me: i want to run over a small iraqi boy with a tank

noah: I have many connections to World War Two. my uncle died in a field, he was eaten by a cheetah. my grandpa fought the Italians when they invaded Ethopia.
Should I put that in the book?
How much can I get?
I want money

me: i want to run over an iraqi playground with a 100 foot tall tank
i read a book

noah: which one, there are lots

me: it said pakistan is not controlled by the government but a secret agency that is aligned with al qaeda

noah: Al Qaeda, that is scary

me: what are we doing after olive garden
i'm bored

noah: I'm not up on current events, i'm too busy networking

me: do you know where saul bellow's cemetary is
we can get a blurb

noah: Lets go to The CrowBar

me: didn't salman rushdie blurb his tombstone/

noah: yes, in Conn.

me: ok lets go

noah: I think he fucked it

me: oh
i'm depressed

noah: He chipped a hole, and fucked it

me: do you want a different literary agent
i'm afrai
d
you'll get a different one

noah: No, you have six MFAs

me: thank you
did you read my blurb
from marilynne robinson
she blurbed my MFAs

noah: NO, I would never fire you
I believe that you are great
you have the connections to make me the cash needed to live in Paris and write articles about America

me: my bathtub is made of gold

noah: I want to be mentioned in TIME. Can you do that

me: just like jonathan safran foer
only if you are a jewish indian born in a ghetto

noah: yes, I want to be Jonathan Safran Foer. Someone told me at his readings, people laugh when he accidently hits the mike.
I am Jewish, Asian, Black, White, Indian, martian
and Latino

me: maybe you should be addicted to heroin too
i'm not sure
it depends
are you rich?

noah: I already was, that's my next book. it is called, "I was so fucked up off of herion my mom wouldnt talk to me, so I stopped doing herion, and got a job as a lawyer at my dad's firm."

me: no, you aren't learning

noah: I have millions, I live on an island in the west indies

me: please insert the word 'harrowing' into that sentence five times
do it
do it now

noah: It was harrowing being on harrowing herion, I had to suck harrowing dick in harrowing bathrooms in harrowing subways.

me: pretty good
you will make $1,000,000

noah: I'm 12 too.
I was born in 1994
In War Torn Bosnia
my was Muslim and my dad was Christian.

me: good
it is okay to contradict yourself by the way

noah: My mom was Mulsim and my brother was Wiccan.

me: you were born in the ghettos of africa
but also in the ghettos of taiwan
remember
never smile in public

noah: I believed in The Iraq War until the Michael Moore movie.

me: unless you hit the mike
by accident
then you should grin

noah: I never smile. I have black rimmed glasses and start crying when someone talks to me.
I start crying when chewing bubble gum.
bubble gum!
bubble gum!

me: the title of your book is

noah: "The Dark Orifice of Salmen Rushdie"

me: THE DARK GHETTO OF HEROIN AND BLACK DEATH
no, you cannot alienate salman rushdie

noah: Yours is better, i'm going with yours

me: i'm your agent
wait

noah: I know, i must be nice to people I've never met, in case they know somebody like Michako
Tell me what to do!
Hollow be thine name
Agent
bubble gum!

me: the title is THE DARK DESCENT OF BLACKNESS AND DEATH LIKE A VEIL ONTO MY HEROIN AND JAIL AND BOOK PARTY
wait
no

noah: I will be nice to everybody, I love all other writers. All other writers are great people
Yes, that's it.

me: wait

noah: You are a genius. You should edit my 3000 page book
How long do you think it will be when it is done?

me: i want to hit an iraqi boy with a rifle so that his head goes through a tank
5000 pages

noah: How will it increase?

me: the first 3000 can be a description of clouds
trust me
trust me
add the word 'harrowing'

noah: Where will the other three thousand come from, will I be writing them?
What about the word, "Beckoning"?

me: you will advertise for interns
at the local MFA
copy and paste their stories into your book
as parentheticals
no
no

noah: Good idea. I love interns.

me: footnotes
as footnotes
later you will write blurbs for your interns

noah: What about an index?
Do you think we can get a movie made?

me: please have a give hundred page index

noah: Will it be 5500 pages then?

me: is there a black market near olive garden
i need a box of grenades

noah: What about the national book award and the booker?

me: i don't care
shit
your book has to be christian
shit

noah: Yes, the people who sold me to he white bastards live on Houston street.

me: it has to be jewish, christian, muslim, and still talk about the mystery of the universe, can you do that?

noah: yes, christian, Jesus. Eye for an Eye and stick my toe in a light socket
what about Buddhism? We could get some beatnik fans with some high class Richard Gear Buddhism.
What is the mystery of the universe?

me: to drive tanks

noah: To drive tanks? Into people?

me: into bubble gum machines

noah: bubble gum

me: bowling

noah: bubble gum
Bowling is the mystery of the universe?

me: i feel bad

noah: My wife is a writer too. She wants to write books about having silly romantic relationships. She is really into the question, 'What does it mean that women and men have relationships and stuff?"
Can you get her published?
Also all my books take place in NYC.

me: i just mailed her $1,000,000

noah: In Manhatten
On Houston street, pronunced, "HOW-STIN"

me: there should be flashbacks to the ghettos of africa, taiwan, and south america

noah: I once ate beans out of a rain gutter.
And sold crack to school kids
and blew my dad's brains out

me: i sold crack to a dirty hamster
the hamster had a wet head

noah: and stole a U.S. Tank and ran over a small village.
How many pages should i devote to hamsters?

me: not too many
maybe 400

noah: I actually haven't written the book. How much time do i have to write. I need chisel it out. If you chisel it out, you win awards.

me: what is your writing ritual?
do you rub your ass before every sentence
something like that
maybe you finger your yarmulke

noah: I eat a box of Turkey
And write one word.
hold I have to fix something

me: i want you to behead me on television

noah: You there
what was the last thing you wrote

me: i want you to behead me on television

noah: Good idea, I will cut your head right off with a ninja sword.

me: i will read your 5500 page novel

noah: I want to haikari on television, on the show LOST
I haven't written it
I'm on page 6
Fluffy horrowing clouds.

me: put 5000 'harrowing' btween each noun

noah: Can you just tell me what to write

me: put pictures

noah: Good idea, I have a picture of my mom
And of my dick
And I will write the word, "Goofysandwich" over and over and over and over again
I'm on page 534 now

me: invoke the spirits
did you have an abortion

noah: I'm on page 9225 now

me: 600 pages about your abortion
a description of the scalpel

noah: The abortion was lame

me: at wal mart

noah: They got a vacuum cleaner, bent the bitch over and sucked that little fucker right out
It took a week

me: you killed a baby
remember that
remember the bidding war

noah: yes, like several hundred. I put sticks of TNT in their mouths, lit the wick, and kaboom Jonathan Safran Foer
How much are you telling Random, Haper, and Simon?

me: farrar strauss giroux
knopf

noah: Random house owns Knopf doesn't it
I think Random, Harper, and Simon own all the books

me: soft skull

noah: I don't want to be published at some shitty no good indy press
POD is Not FOR ME

me: you can sell the abortion part to soft skull

noah: That was a poem
You should edit it
I want several million dollars in my account by next thursday, what can you do about that?
I want the book to be published at Random, Harper, and Simon all at once

me: expand the description of the scalpel to 1400 pages to show how the abortion was harrowing

noah: There is no scalpal, just a vacuum cleaner

me: okay, describe the cleaner

noah: taking a shit is harrowing
Plastic, blue and gold, windex and flavored onions
I'm telling you, they bent the bitch over and ploop onto the floor was my seed.

me: ok
noah
i think we have enough
i will post this
tomorrow

noah: It bounced like a basketball
I dribbled it and slammed dunked the fetus
Send it to me, I spelled words wrong.
Was it stupid?
Am I stupid?>

me: no
it's good
no, we leave typos
it is saved in your gmail
i will have to format it
tomorrow
this is good
who can gwe get to link
i will add a link to the condemned somehow

noah: Miss Snark
send it to Karl Wenclas, he will laugh.
He will link to it, says he likes it, and then call us assholes

me: you email him

noah: okay
I just reread it, it is beautiful. I think people will love it.

me: it's good
maud newton would link
if she didn't hate me

noah: I don't think people will think we are serious. if they do they are dumb

me: yeah
it's good
it's really good
bookslut will link

noah: it really doesn't make sense
Bookslut will link.

me: i will link randomly to the condemned
where else should i link

noah: To this http://www.city-data.com/city/Youngstown-Ohio.html

me: ok

noah: and to this http://www.gonzo-movies.net/htdocs2/ma/magic-WhiteMeatOnBlackStreet-GoldieCoxx-newhardcore/index.htm
and this http://www.brown.edu/Departments/Literary_Arts/

me: ok

noah: anything else

me: no

Noah: grump old bookman
I have to lay down, i think i want to cr
cry

me: i feel fucked
and sad
fuckedly sad
is that a good title

noah: yes
i can't get up
i'm going to take a bath and cry

me: im

noah: was this thing interrminable
im
what is that
im

me: no it was good
while happening
now i feel interminable

noah: is that spanish for we are fucked

me: that was funny, i laughed

noah: you made me laugh in the interview

me: good
lets get marreid

noah: i think we will changr th world with this interview
publisher's market place

me: lets nominate it for the nobel prize

noah: will put into their magazine
Good idea
Call it, "Publisher's market Place
or is it Publishers and Writers
that really bad dumb magazine at stores
that make it to Ohio
fuck it is called, "Writers and Poets"
I can't remember
Shitters and Pissers

me: noah
as a team
we can
do things
we just need
a third person
to
encourage us
i dont know

noah: I can't do anything alone anymore.
I wait for the day to end
nothing good happens
and if something good happens, it is like, "Wow, I care."
I'm trying
seriously I am
that is what I have to say to the world
that is my novel.
It goes
"I'm trying"
The end

me: noah

noah: Tao
Notaah
No hat

me: i'm changing myb log name
get ready

noah: I'm ready
stick it in my ass
I'm going to lay down and some time after that take a bath

me: ok
we have done good toinght