interview with elizabeth spiers and the unphilosophizability (undefinibility?) of 'existing morally,' the word 'morally,' and the word 'harmful'

before i do something 'illegal,' 'abnormal,' or 'risky' i will almost always think if it will hurt anyone

i don't think that what i am about to, right now, in this post, will actually hurt anyone except for me and i have 'mixed feelings' about hurting myself

i have this thinking (this philosophy, or whatever, maybe) that if i can somehow learn to enjoy distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of 'being doomed,' sadness, loneliness, failure, etc., then i can become sort of 'invulnerable'

by 'enjoy,' i don't actually mean 'enjoy'

what i mean is that if i can view times of distress, hopelessness, sadness, etc. as a sort of credit towards a future contentment, future happiness; future tranquility, fulfillment, etc., then i can live my life like a pyramid scheme

which seems, within a temporary context (of life), sort of 'ideal'

because the only flaw i know of that a pyramid scheme has is that it will run out of participants; it cannot continue forever; because time is infinite and people (credit) are not, the pyramid scheme will always lose

but if i can view my own life as a pyramid scheme (each failure or moment of wretchedness acting as a sort of credit towards a future reward) then i have this thing, death, that will solve for me the problem that i just presented above (...cannot continue forever...)

so

what i do is i delay gratification, keep feeling like shit and wretched and whatever, and keep delaying gratification--and, in this delaying, there is a pleasure; a sort of once-removed, changed pleasure, a once-removed experience of that something that is in the future, unspent and good and, with each moment of present discontentment or discomfort, increasing, there, in the future--and keep delaying gratification and keep delaying gratification until i die

because normal, 'progress' pleasure, in the form of fulfilling one's desires, is a sort of drug; it does not last long, it climaxes; and when it is over, you feel noticeably down, and you want it again, and each time you need more to get the same (which is, in itself, a kind of wretchedness...?)

but there is also another kind of pleasure, i think; described above, and here, now

in this second pleasure, you delay the fulfillment of your desires; you get all your desires together and put them all in a garbage bag and then you throw that garbage bag over a wall, and that wall is death; and so, in a way, then, you have no desires (they do not exist); but in another way, you do, still, have desires, just abstractly (they exist as possibility, by way of being undisprovable): none that you will ever fulfill; and in this way, you use death to your advantage

and this second pleasure is the less harmful of the two; in this second pleasure you are apathetic, you do not believe in 'progress,' you do not scheme or hurt other people or animals (you do not need to, because you do not believe in 'progress,' you do not put 'value' in 'getting ahead'); you are considerate and in control; you are not a drug fiend of drugs produced by your own body

so

(a few weeks ago)

on july 30th, sitting at work, i email Elizabeth Spiers, the first writer for Gawker and current Editor-in-chief of Mediabistro, to ask about Galleycat, the book blog; the only (i think) book blog that pays a salary; $1000 a month or $550 a month plus benefits

i ask if i can have that job

i notice that nathalie hasn't been posting, i say, and include in the e-mail a link to this site, reader of depressing books; she responds:

From: Elizabeth Spiers
To: Tao Lin
Date: Jul 31, 2005 6:06 PM
Subject: RE: something about galleycat...
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Hi Tao -

Well, you're in luck because I'm presently interviewing potential Galleycat writers for a fall relaunch. Why don't we grab coffee sometime this week and chat. What's your schedule like?

i respond:

From: Tao Lin
Reply-To: Tao Lin
To: Elizabeth Spiers
Date: Jul 31, 2005 6:24 PM
Subject: Re: something about galleycat...
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Hi, Elizabeth,

I'm available all day Wed. Other days between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Or I can make some other times become available if those times don't work. Wed. is best. Let me know.

Thanks!

Tao

she responds:

From: Elizabeth Spiers
To: Tao Lin
Date: Jul 31, 2005 6:29 PM
Subject: RE: something about galleycat...
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How about wednesday at 4pm? why don't you drop by the office - we're at 494 broadway (& broome), 4th floor...

on wednesday i go there

we go into a room

i try to express how much i want the job and how good i will be at it but instead i express something else; mostly that i am hyper-inarticulate on blogs, unable to back up anything i say with real examples from the real world, and unable to sincerely express how much i want the job and how good i will be at it without seeming insincere, depressed, and mean

someone comes and stands in the doorway and stares at me and says to elizabeth that he needs the room

they talk back and forth a while, about who needs the room more

during this time i feel myself becoming 'meta'

we go to another room

instead of saying what i want to say

instead of even thinking of what i want to say

instead of even thinking 'how do i get my brain to think of what i want to say'

i'm thinking something like 'i am right now thinking about how to get my brain to think of what i want to say'

earlier, before the man stared at me and made us change rooms, i was, i said 'hyper-inarticulate'

now brain's brain's brain is 'hyper-inarticulate,' or something

regardless, she tells me the plan

she tells me to create six sample posts

we stand up

'when should i do the sample posts by?' i say at the door

'as soon as possible,' she says, 'so that if that works out, you can then guest blog for a week, which you'll be paid for; and then we can give you a one-year contract'

i go make six sample posts

next day, i send this e-mail:

From: Tao Lin
Reply-To: Tao Lin
To: Elizabeth Spiers
Date: Aug 4, 2005 2:49 PM
Subject: Re: something about galleycat...
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Hi, Elizabeth,

I noticed that Nathalie posted a lot today. I hope the job is still open. Here's the link to six sample posts: http://tao.typepad.com/tao/

These are longer posts. I'd also post very short posts on deals and current events in publishing, which I did not do here. I have also made a list of people that I would keep track of. If anything here is not what you wanted, or if you want more of something, I'd be happy to do whatever is needed.

Thanks,

Tao

i get no reply

typepad's counter shows that she has not visited the site; i am 98% sure of this, that she has not visited the site

next day i email:

From: Tao Lin
Reply-To: Tao Lin
To: Elizabeth Spiers
Date: Aug 5, 2005 11:54 AM
Subject: sample posts / galleycat
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Hi, Elizabeth,

Sorry to bother you, but gmail sometimes doesn't send things for me. So I am not sure if you recieved the link to the sample posts that I sent yesterday.

Here it is again: http://tao.typepad.com/tao

Please let me know if you get this email. I'm enthusiastic and
excited about this job, and really want it.

Thanks,

Tao

no reply

sunday, she still has not visited the site

monday, i call her on the phone, in real life

i write down what i want to say so that i can just read it, like a machine, instead of having to think, and call

she picks up immediately, before the first ring ends

'elizabeth,' she says

'hi, this is tao lin; we talked about galleycat last week; i'm calling to check if you received my emails'

'yes; actually i did recieve them; but haven't had a chance to look at them yet; i'll let you know when i do'

a pause

i say, 'so the job is still available?'

'yes'

another pause

'okay, thanks'

'no problem'

end of conversation

few days later, i read her piece on peter jennings, in which she says

I remember telling a couple of friends later that I thought Jennings was a "really, really nice guy" and it sounds so trite, but normally when you're covering these things, you get a couple of minutes, max, to talk to people, and in this case, he kept talking well after the PR people were giving me dirty looks, my tape recorder had been turned off and he'd been reminded multiple times that "Mr. Cronkite" was waiting to speak to him. He genuinely wanted to help.

a week later; she still has not visited the site with the six sample posts, of which i have worked on almost every day, adding things, messing around with photos, editing; and have by now perfected, and cannot look at anymore, as one would perfect six pieces of short fiction or poetry and then not be able to look at them anymore

i email:

From: Tao Lin
To: Elizabeth Spiers
Date: Aug 14, 2005 6:10 PM
Subject: One question about Galleycat...
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Hi, Elizabeth,

I'm sorry to bother you again. Can you give me a quick note to say if I am a candidate for Galleycat, and maybe a time-frame sort of thing? Because if not, then I should probably try to plan my future somehow--get a full-time job, or something. I'd very much appreciate a really quick, small note. Thanks.

Tao Lin

i see that she still has not visited the site, with the sample posts

the site, that i created six sample posts on, has 19 hits, all 19 of which are from me, tao lin

next day she emails:

From: Elizabeth Spiers
To: Tao Lin
Date: Aug 15, 2005 4:08 PM
Subject: RE: One question about Galleycat...
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Hi Tao - Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. I have a guest blogger starting on August 29 as a sort of tryout. (She's written for Publisher's Lunch, sat on a couple of panels at BookExpo and has some experience covering the industry.) Depending on how that goes, we may add additional contributors. But I won't really know until mid-September or so, so if I were in your shoes, I'd continue looking. (It's a part-time job anyway, and you'd have to have additional employment regardless...)

But I'll keep you in mind and check back.

Best,
Elizabeth

i check the site counter

i see that she still has not visited

few days later while in the shower i get the idea of this post and feel excited

(i feel not unlike how i feel when i write, in fiction, a true, original, insightful sentence; something new, into the world, something that i have let into this world from some other, better world)

i feel excited

which is rare for me

and so i feel that i must do this

i think, 'maybe i shouldn't do this'

i think, 'because that i thought maybe i shouldn't do this i am now required to do this'

if not morally, then existentially

and the existential supercedes the moral, doesn't it?

i ask myself that, as an aside

i think, 'meaningless'

i think, 'will doing this hurt anyone?'

i think, 'if a thing has happened, has factually, really, happened... then isn't it always best to just say it, to let it out into the world? isn't that a kind of honesty?'

i think all that stuff in the beginning of this post about the 'two kinds of pleasures'

i think, 'doing this will move the world, however minutely, toward the second kind of pleasure'

i think, 'but wait; doing this will probably get me more readers, which is something of the first kind of pleasure'

'progress,' etc.

i realize that i have already been planning in my brain to e-mail this post to Gawker, etc. in order to get more readers

i realize that i am harming both myself (and the world) by aligning myself with the first 'drug-fiend' kind of pleasure, the kind in which you seek a stronger, more comprehensive connection with the world, in which you make 'progress' by exposing the information of your 'identity' to as many people as possible in order to gain the means with which to expose the information associated with or of your identity to even more people in order to gain the means with which... etc.

i realize that harming myself--of which i am right now, in real life, in this post, doing ('harming myself')--by way of aligning myself with the first kind of pleasure is something that i can use in order to align myself with the second, less harmful-to-others, less self-indulgent, more-friendly-and-considerate, undrug-fiendish kind of pleasure... is, actually, in itself--this harming of myself; because i am knowingly 'harming' myself--an alignment with the second kind of pleasure, really

but i feel wrong; i feel that the logic of that last statement is wrong, or else impossible; but really, i don't feel wrong, just confused; a little blank and funny and true