curtis sittenfeld
is the author of prep
when she was 21 or 22, i think, she wrote 1993-94, one of my favorite short stories
it has two endings, in my view
the 1994 ending
hannah was completely alone, my brain processes, yet she was almost-happy
and the story ends
then i quickly think something like 'an almost-happy ending that is actually sort of sad, since she is completely alone'
then i even more quickly think something like 'wait, that was one year ago'
then in a sort of rush i think about the following (and somewhere in this, and this happens very fast, within one or two seconds or something, i stop thinking and just sort of 'feel' the ending inside of me, and because the story ends right before 1993 and begins right before 1994, i feel not just the ending inside of me, but the entire story, and when i say 'feel' i mean that my brain is not thinking at all):
where hannah is now, in 1994, she wants to be a different person but does not know how to begin
she is, now, in 1994, thinking about a year ago, in 1993, when she was completely alone and almost-happy
how she was almost-happy because of the possibility that things might change in the year ahead
but now it is a year ahead, 1994, and nothing has changed
so in hannah's mind, then, in 1994, thinking about 1993, (conjecture beginning now, what was not on the page but what i felt, and did not think, but that later, now, thinking back, can think) she maybe felt something like that her almost-happiness, then, in 1993, was because of something that did not happen (she didn't change from 1993-94) and so was, in a way, not even real, a kind of deception, a deceptive almost-happiness
and so hannah, in 1994, maybe feels sorry for her 1993-self, who was almost-happy
and if she, in 1994, feels sorry for her 1993-self who was completely alone and almost-happy
then what must she feel for her 1994-self, who is completely alone and not happy and wants to change into a different person but knows she probably won't?
the ending of this story seems very emotionally complex, it seems to transcend happiness or sadness...when i think about the ending i can only think about it briefly, after i give the ending a very brief sort of attention before both endings and then the entire story naturally 'enters' me, after which it seems difficult to think about or analyze it, to simplify it, because of the intensity and complexity of what i then feel
when she was 21 or 22, i think, she wrote 1993-94, one of my favorite short stories
it has two endings, in my view
the 1994 ending
It is 1994. She tries to imagine where she will be a year from now, and she thinks, Probably here. The idea of changing her life in any substantial way seems laborious and unlikely. It is so hard to envision. It would require, almost, for her to be a different person, and she'd do that, she'd change, if she knew where to begin. But she doesn't.and, after that, in the chronology of the story, the 1993 ending, one year earlier
She was completely alone. But in a strange way, her loneliness contained its opposite; everywhere around her lay the possibility that things would change in the year ahead. She drew closer to the Hungarian woman, so close she could have rested her palm on the woman's back. "Are you happy?" the woman asked again, this time more insistently, and at that moment heading up Newbury Street, Hannah was on the verge of saying yes.i read that and then my brain processes what has happened
hannah was completely alone, my brain processes, yet she was almost-happy
and the story ends
then i quickly think something like 'an almost-happy ending that is actually sort of sad, since she is completely alone'
then i even more quickly think something like 'wait, that was one year ago'
then in a sort of rush i think about the following (and somewhere in this, and this happens very fast, within one or two seconds or something, i stop thinking and just sort of 'feel' the ending inside of me, and because the story ends right before 1993 and begins right before 1994, i feel not just the ending inside of me, but the entire story, and when i say 'feel' i mean that my brain is not thinking at all):
where hannah is now, in 1994, she wants to be a different person but does not know how to begin
she is, now, in 1994, thinking about a year ago, in 1993, when she was completely alone and almost-happy
how she was almost-happy because of the possibility that things might change in the year ahead
but now it is a year ahead, 1994, and nothing has changed
so in hannah's mind, then, in 1994, thinking about 1993, (conjecture beginning now, what was not on the page but what i felt, and did not think, but that later, now, thinking back, can think) she maybe felt something like that her almost-happiness, then, in 1993, was because of something that did not happen (she didn't change from 1993-94) and so was, in a way, not even real, a kind of deception, a deceptive almost-happiness
and so hannah, in 1994, maybe feels sorry for her 1993-self, who was almost-happy
and if she, in 1994, feels sorry for her 1993-self who was completely alone and almost-happy
then what must she feel for her 1994-self, who is completely alone and not happy and wants to change into a different person but knows she probably won't?
the ending of this story seems very emotionally complex, it seems to transcend happiness or sadness...when i think about the ending i can only think about it briefly, after i give the ending a very brief sort of attention before both endings and then the entire story naturally 'enters' me, after which it seems difficult to think about or analyze it, to simplify it, because of the intensity and complexity of what i then feel
6 Comments:
I will respond later. Here is Eye-Rhyme.
This is also unrelated. I went to a local art gallery yesterday to see an exhibition of photgraphy. There were photos of the catacombs. Some early aerial photography. Some Muybridge.
And, there were some pieces of micrography from the extensive Getty collection. All anonymous. One was called "Tongue of Bee". I was a photo of a bee's tongue.
I propose we begin a collaborative story about this photo and the photographer.
And let's try to finish it by the end of the decade.
i have a better idea
we start a press for children's books, but children's books for adults who want to be children
and the first two books will be your blog and that whale poem
also, i know that you people are reading this post, so make some comments
even if it has nothing to with anything
"that her almost-happiness, then, in 1993, was because of something that did not happen, which is her changing from 1993-94, and so was, in a way, not even real, a kind of deception"
Along these lines...
My girlfriend has told me that if I ever cheated on her then the past 3 years that we have spent together would be meaningless. Any good times, any love that there was would have been false, undeserved.
I've never really bought into this (not the cheating, but the) idea that emotions can be less than authentic.
If I cheated on my girlfriend and we broke up and it ended poorly, that would not mean that on June 15, 2003 we did not have a great afternoon at the Bronx Zoo.
Similarly, this main character was full of hope and almost happy on the eve of 1993 walking past some Hungarian woman. Just because events did not unfold in the following year that confirmed/sustained this happiness, does not mean that she was not happy in that moment on the eve of 1993.
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gotim: i agree, mostly
fran: i didn't think 'anti-sex,' more so i thought it was about the main character's inability to make connections, feel 'normal,' or 'function' in 'social situations' in order to 'make friends'
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